I was doing really well there for a little bit; getting on the treadmill and feeling good. As of two days ago I was two pounds down and feeling 15 pounds down, but then the flu hit and while I know that I should be kind to myself, I feel like a failure.
I'm disappointed. I want to be thin, now. I want to not have to be nice to myself, but I want to fight and fight and be thin.
Life gets in the fucking way of stuff, you know?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Beginning Successes
Well, Peeps, I followed all my rules. I did not snack in front of the computer. I had a full glass of water before any snack. I took my vitamins. I wrote on the Weightloss Junction, and I got on the treadmill.
In fact, today was day three of me getting my butt on the treadmill. I put on the movie Chicago, which has pretty ladies to aspire to be and kickin, bouncy songs, and just walk. Instead of what I've done historically, which is incorporating running, this time I'm sticking with the fast walk, but incorporating HILLS. Big ones.
My butt hurts and my legs are sore, but totally in that good way. I'm feeling accomplished and already thinner. Not a lot thinner, and nobody but me would notice, but already the core muscles in my body are responding. I feel good.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na HIT MEH!
Sorry.
There have been rough points. Only three days into it and I'm absolutely shocked to discover how angry I am about not being allowed to eat in front of the computer. My brain is outraged. I keep telling it, "Look, you can go to the vending machine. You just have to eat it in the break room, not at your desk. You can eat anything you want! Stop grousing and go and eat."
And my brain keeps snapping back, "That's not the POINT. I'm not HUNGRY, you idiot. I just want to EAT."
*BING* And the light, she goes on.
Also I went out with MoVo last night and while we had a great time and I looked totally cute, I also was fat-cute, not thin cute. That was rough to deal with. Two days of reasonable eating and a minimum of excercise and I'm already convinced I should be able to put on a cat suit.
The worst part about addictions like this is how the only enemy I have is me. This is my anthem right now.
Don't Let Me Git Me
In fact, today was day three of me getting my butt on the treadmill. I put on the movie Chicago, which has pretty ladies to aspire to be and kickin, bouncy songs, and just walk. Instead of what I've done historically, which is incorporating running, this time I'm sticking with the fast walk, but incorporating HILLS. Big ones.
My butt hurts and my legs are sore, but totally in that good way. I'm feeling accomplished and already thinner. Not a lot thinner, and nobody but me would notice, but already the core muscles in my body are responding. I feel good.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na HIT MEH!
Sorry.
There have been rough points. Only three days into it and I'm absolutely shocked to discover how angry I am about not being allowed to eat in front of the computer. My brain is outraged. I keep telling it, "Look, you can go to the vending machine. You just have to eat it in the break room, not at your desk. You can eat anything you want! Stop grousing and go and eat."
And my brain keeps snapping back, "That's not the POINT. I'm not HUNGRY, you idiot. I just want to EAT."
*BING* And the light, she goes on.
Also I went out with MoVo last night and while we had a great time and I looked totally cute, I also was fat-cute, not thin cute. That was rough to deal with. Two days of reasonable eating and a minimum of excercise and I'm already convinced I should be able to put on a cat suit.
The worst part about addictions like this is how the only enemy I have is me. This is my anthem right now.
Don't Let Me Git Me
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Fatabulous Dreams
In our current "listing things in a list" theme, I'm going to create another list.
I don't know about you, but the moment I decide to eat less and excercise more, even if I haven't actually done it yet, even if I'm in the middle of a huge hunk of chocolate cake when I decide to crawl back, broken bleeding and fat, on the wagon, my brain starts with the daydream list.
The list of Things I want to do/wear when I'm no longer horrified by my body.
Now I know there are folks out there who have never liked their bodies, and I totally grok that. I didn't like my body until I was 23 years old, and then I fucking loved it until I was 26. My weight was between 160 (too skinny) and 175 (jus' perfect) for those three years and I was fit and pretty happy with it. Sure, I had to suck in my gut a little, but my boobs stayed big and my ghetto booty sat proudly on its own. I looked strong, felt good. It was good. I was an hourglass with muscles; all woman and lovely and strong with it.
That is how I would like to feel again. I will never be teensy, but I'd love to be tall and lithe again and to feel like my legs start at my hips rather than my knees.
A LIST OF DAYDREAMS I HAVE ABOUT WHAT I WILL DO WHEN I'M AT MY GOAL WEIGHT
1. Halloween Costumes - This is one of my all-time favorite daydreams, Peeps. There are several things I'd like to be for Halloween if I had to body to show off. Right now I can, off the top of my head, think of three: A) The chick from the Cake song "Short Skirt and a Long Jacket" B) Mrs. Lovett (with The Troublemaker as Todd, of course) and C) a hero of mine, Xena Warrior Princess. Ideally, MoVo would be Gabrielle because she would totally be perfect for it. I daydream constantly about great Halloween costumes. When TT and I were first married I made myself a cleopatra costume and hot DAMN it was hot and cute. I'd love to feel like that again.
2. Work clothes - Oh, god how I dream of just walking into a store like Talbots or Ann Taylor and taking something classic and chic and Audry Hepburn off the rack and just putting it on, paying for it and walking out. A suit with a little flare. A casual slack with a jazzy sweater. Nothing not age-appropriate, but oh-so-cute.
3. Casual clothes - I dream of making myself high-wasted, wide-legged comfortable pants like Katherine Hepburn used to wear all the time and not looking like a stuffed sausauge. Shirts that stop at my nautral waist rather than riding down my butt. Yoga pants with long tank tops that are casual-chic.
4. Dresses. Oh dresses. I don't even know where to begin with the dresses. I miss dresses so much, and more importantly I miss feeling sexy in dresses. I want to walk into a store and have my choice of the whole place again, rather than the choice of the four or five things that actually fit me.
I daydream. Do you?
Here's hoping I reach my Xena.
I don't know about you, but the moment I decide to eat less and excercise more, even if I haven't actually done it yet, even if I'm in the middle of a huge hunk of chocolate cake when I decide to crawl back, broken bleeding and fat, on the wagon, my brain starts with the daydream list.
The list of Things I want to do/wear when I'm no longer horrified by my body.
Now I know there are folks out there who have never liked their bodies, and I totally grok that. I didn't like my body until I was 23 years old, and then I fucking loved it until I was 26. My weight was between 160 (too skinny) and 175 (jus' perfect) for those three years and I was fit and pretty happy with it. Sure, I had to suck in my gut a little, but my boobs stayed big and my ghetto booty sat proudly on its own. I looked strong, felt good. It was good. I was an hourglass with muscles; all woman and lovely and strong with it.
That is how I would like to feel again. I will never be teensy, but I'd love to be tall and lithe again and to feel like my legs start at my hips rather than my knees.
A LIST OF DAYDREAMS I HAVE ABOUT WHAT I WILL DO WHEN I'M AT MY GOAL WEIGHT
1. Halloween Costumes - This is one of my all-time favorite daydreams, Peeps. There are several things I'd like to be for Halloween if I had to body to show off. Right now I can, off the top of my head, think of three: A) The chick from the Cake song "Short Skirt and a Long Jacket" B) Mrs. Lovett (with The Troublemaker as Todd, of course) and C) a hero of mine, Xena Warrior Princess. Ideally, MoVo would be Gabrielle because she would totally be perfect for it. I daydream constantly about great Halloween costumes. When TT and I were first married I made myself a cleopatra costume and hot DAMN it was hot and cute. I'd love to feel like that again.
2. Work clothes - Oh, god how I dream of just walking into a store like Talbots or Ann Taylor and taking something classic and chic and Audry Hepburn off the rack and just putting it on, paying for it and walking out. A suit with a little flare. A casual slack with a jazzy sweater. Nothing not age-appropriate, but oh-so-cute.
3. Casual clothes - I dream of making myself high-wasted, wide-legged comfortable pants like Katherine Hepburn used to wear all the time and not looking like a stuffed sausauge. Shirts that stop at my nautral waist rather than riding down my butt. Yoga pants with long tank tops that are casual-chic.
4. Dresses. Oh dresses. I don't even know where to begin with the dresses. I miss dresses so much, and more importantly I miss feeling sexy in dresses. I want to walk into a store and have my choice of the whole place again, rather than the choice of the four or five things that actually fit me.
I daydream. Do you?
Here's hoping I reach my Xena.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Fat Enough For Ya?
Many lists, excuses, reasonings, opinions and other billious brilliance.
I realize the silence around these parts for the past, what, six months?, has been deafening. In the echoing emptiness I'm sure you heard the creak and pop of the fabric in my jeans as I gained even more weight and the happy squeeky voices of a thousand new excuses being born every minute.
There are several reasons I'm back here, one being the aforementioned creaks and popping noises, and the others being as complex as the fabric of my brain, which lately appears to be caked in the mud of pointless emotion.
In an effort to stop myself going on in a manner of the previous unreadable paragraph, I'm going to write some lists instead. Okay? Okay.
LIST #1 - IT IS VITAL THAT I LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. My health is beginning to suffer - Things are being sprained that shouldn't be sprained because any effort on top of already carrying the weight I have is hurting me.
2. My mental health is in bad shape - Seeing myself heavy in the mirror is devistating. Losing the endorphins by not excercising is having a real effect. Sugar does not actually improve my mood, but makes it worse.
3. Money - My wardrobe cannot be replaced every five minutes while my weight pogosticks up and down from month-to-month. Stacy and Clinton would be appalled by what I leave the house in some days, but a ten pound practically overnight weight gain leaves me reeling. I just plain can't afford to be yoyoing anymore.
4. I'm about to lose my health insurance - That's right! When I leave for school in August I quit my job, which means not only the loss of that income, but the loss of my incredible health insurance. I'm on Lipitor right now and I need to be OFF it, because it costs more than gold boullon with the help of insurance and is plain unavailable to the underinsured.
5. Bad Mommy - My kid is now three and is quickly reaching the point where he can outrun me in distance and speed. That is just pathetic. Pretty soon I'll have to start wearing flip flops so I can have something on hand to throw at him as I lumber down the aisle of Target chasing his swiftly retreating back.
6. Bad wife - Here! Have sex with this hippopotomus!
7. Prejudice - Like it or lump it, there is a preconceived notion that individuals who are overweight cannot control their impulses, have lower self esteem, and are generally slobbier and stupider than the rest of the general population. While I have not found this to be necessarily the case myself, it does affect how people perceive you. I'm about to embark on a new career path. I would like people to see ME, first, and not my weight.
LIST #2 - I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. I'm afraid of failing - I'm afraid that I'll give it all I've got, the best I've got, and I'll still not lose an ounce. This is highly unlikely, but it is likely that I won't lose as much as I want, as fast as I want, or with the poise I want. I'm afraid that I will try as hard as I can and still be a sad sack of fat. So I'm afraid of proving that deep down I really am what I look like.
2. I'm afraid of succeeding - I'm afraid that if I manage to lose the weight that people will expect me to always be perfect. I'm afraid of becoming food-obsessed, because that's all I've ever seen work. People turn their lives into being about food every minute, just so they don't fall off the wagon. I hate that.
3. I'm afraid of the attention - When you're fit it's not just Brad Pitt that looks at you appreciatively, it's that skeevy guy down the hall who leers and licks his lips and suggests a threesome with his dog. Men, in my experience, are shameless and that kind of attention can be hard to take. I have not yet grown up and understood that I can tell him to get the fucking fuck away from me. I'm still the kid who was molested on the subway at 14 with no idea what to do or how to handle it. Being thinner, for me, increases the vulnerability. Scary.
4. I'm terrified to lose the comfort - I eat to comfort myself. I've been going through a particular rough patch and not having rules in place about how to limit the comfort I'm getting (even though it's from food) feels like it's kept me from losing my mind. Will I go absolutely bananas when I can't turn to food for comfort? Sometimes the loony bin has seemed closer than ever; I don't want to go there.
LIST #3 - FIVE STEPS I AM GOING TO TAKE IMMEDIATELY, WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT:
1. Revive the Weightloss Junction - To remember that underneith all this fat is a person, and she has the right to come out and live if she wants to.
2. No snacking in front of the computer - If I want a snack I must get up and get one and not eat in front of the flickering screne of numbness and happiness.
3. A drink of water first - I want a snack? I can have one! I just have to drink a glass of water first. Every time.
4. Take my vitamins - Must take Vite D, Calcium, Magnesium and Fish oil with breakfast and lunch, and a decent multi-vite with dinner.
5. Get on the treadmill and walk - No requirement for length or walking speed. Just MUST press "Start" and put one foot in front of the other tonight. Period.
So that's where I am, darlings. I'm off to look for a table that I can embed with my current weight and measurements, and can use to mark my progress. I have lots more to write and tell you about, but right now this has kind of taken everything I have, which is a good start, I think.
More soon,
Love,
KP
I realize the silence around these parts for the past, what, six months?, has been deafening. In the echoing emptiness I'm sure you heard the creak and pop of the fabric in my jeans as I gained even more weight and the happy squeeky voices of a thousand new excuses being born every minute.
There are several reasons I'm back here, one being the aforementioned creaks and popping noises, and the others being as complex as the fabric of my brain, which lately appears to be caked in the mud of pointless emotion.
In an effort to stop myself going on in a manner of the previous unreadable paragraph, I'm going to write some lists instead. Okay? Okay.
LIST #1 - IT IS VITAL THAT I LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. My health is beginning to suffer - Things are being sprained that shouldn't be sprained because any effort on top of already carrying the weight I have is hurting me.
2. My mental health is in bad shape - Seeing myself heavy in the mirror is devistating. Losing the endorphins by not excercising is having a real effect. Sugar does not actually improve my mood, but makes it worse.
3. Money - My wardrobe cannot be replaced every five minutes while my weight pogosticks up and down from month-to-month. Stacy and Clinton would be appalled by what I leave the house in some days, but a ten pound practically overnight weight gain leaves me reeling. I just plain can't afford to be yoyoing anymore.
4. I'm about to lose my health insurance - That's right! When I leave for school in August I quit my job, which means not only the loss of that income, but the loss of my incredible health insurance. I'm on Lipitor right now and I need to be OFF it, because it costs more than gold boullon with the help of insurance and is plain unavailable to the underinsured.
5. Bad Mommy - My kid is now three and is quickly reaching the point where he can outrun me in distance and speed. That is just pathetic. Pretty soon I'll have to start wearing flip flops so I can have something on hand to throw at him as I lumber down the aisle of Target chasing his swiftly retreating back.
6. Bad wife - Here! Have sex with this hippopotomus!
7. Prejudice - Like it or lump it, there is a preconceived notion that individuals who are overweight cannot control their impulses, have lower self esteem, and are generally slobbier and stupider than the rest of the general population. While I have not found this to be necessarily the case myself, it does affect how people perceive you. I'm about to embark on a new career path. I would like people to see ME, first, and not my weight.
LIST #2 - I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. I'm afraid of failing - I'm afraid that I'll give it all I've got, the best I've got, and I'll still not lose an ounce. This is highly unlikely, but it is likely that I won't lose as much as I want, as fast as I want, or with the poise I want. I'm afraid that I will try as hard as I can and still be a sad sack of fat. So I'm afraid of proving that deep down I really am what I look like.
2. I'm afraid of succeeding - I'm afraid that if I manage to lose the weight that people will expect me to always be perfect. I'm afraid of becoming food-obsessed, because that's all I've ever seen work. People turn their lives into being about food every minute, just so they don't fall off the wagon. I hate that.
3. I'm afraid of the attention - When you're fit it's not just Brad Pitt that looks at you appreciatively, it's that skeevy guy down the hall who leers and licks his lips and suggests a threesome with his dog. Men, in my experience, are shameless and that kind of attention can be hard to take. I have not yet grown up and understood that I can tell him to get the fucking fuck away from me. I'm still the kid who was molested on the subway at 14 with no idea what to do or how to handle it. Being thinner, for me, increases the vulnerability. Scary.
4. I'm terrified to lose the comfort - I eat to comfort myself. I've been going through a particular rough patch and not having rules in place about how to limit the comfort I'm getting (even though it's from food) feels like it's kept me from losing my mind. Will I go absolutely bananas when I can't turn to food for comfort? Sometimes the loony bin has seemed closer than ever; I don't want to go there.
LIST #3 - FIVE STEPS I AM GOING TO TAKE IMMEDIATELY, WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT:
1. Revive the Weightloss Junction - To remember that underneith all this fat is a person, and she has the right to come out and live if she wants to.
2. No snacking in front of the computer - If I want a snack I must get up and get one and not eat in front of the flickering screne of numbness and happiness.
3. A drink of water first - I want a snack? I can have one! I just have to drink a glass of water first. Every time.
4. Take my vitamins - Must take Vite D, Calcium, Magnesium and Fish oil with breakfast and lunch, and a decent multi-vite with dinner.
5. Get on the treadmill and walk - No requirement for length or walking speed. Just MUST press "Start" and put one foot in front of the other tonight. Period.
So that's where I am, darlings. I'm off to look for a table that I can embed with my current weight and measurements, and can use to mark my progress. I have lots more to write and tell you about, but right now this has kind of taken everything I have, which is a good start, I think.
More soon,
Love,
KP
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