I'm back because I hate myself.
I'm back here because during this stressful part of my life I have been eating and eating and eating just to try and cover up how lost and alone and in-over-my-head I feel.
I can't stand pictures of me. I can't stand seeing my reflection in a window. And I can't stop eating.
I hate myself.
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2 comments:
First off, I know it's incredibly difficult, but try not to hate yourself. Think about all you are doing - school, work, family - and how much you accomplish every day. Hate the way you look if you want, but try not to hate yourself.
And as for hating the way you look - yeah, I've been in permanent residence there this year. Or perhaps my whole life. About three weeks ago I decided that I'd count the weeks until I fly east for Christmas and make it a goal to lose a pound a week until then. I've hung up a pair of jeans that will fit at my goal weight (I know, because my goal weight is where I was around this time last year) in plain view so I see them every day, and I plan to wear them on the flight in December. A picture of them is also the wallpaper on my phone lest I need to look at them when dining out.
The approach I'm taking right now is to practice, as difficult as it can be, PATIENCE. Every day I walk and I chant in my head the number of pounds in the number of weeks I have. This week it's "10 pounds in 10 weeks". If I don't lose anything this week, then next week I'll chant "10 pounds in 9 weeks" and so forth, and I will not beat myself up.
The problem taking things slowly and setting a longer term goal addresses is that I, and probably anyone, can lose 3 pounds in a week if I really try. My problem is that I rarely get past that point and eventually gain back that and more. If in eight weeks I'm chanting "nine pounds in two weeks" so be it, I'll effectively fail, but I'm not going to let myself forget that there was a medium-term goal in the first place. By the way obviously the goal is to NOT be chanting that :)
I don't know if that helps or even makes any sense, but it has been helping me keep from hating myself, a reprieve I desperately needed since I was driving myself and my husband to misery with the self loathing. And I have been losing a pound a week, which can feel painfully slow, but I continually remind myself that the weight is coming OFF, albeit slowly, for the first time this year.
As you said early on, this is hard work. I'll be cheering for you :)
Love you Krissy!
Kate
I'm SO happy that you started this up again. Can I say one more time that we need to live closer? Just to get someone to WALK with me, or eat carrots with me, or say "PUT DOWN THAT LITTLE DEBBIE BROWNIE DAMMIT!". I had my yearly exam today. I watched as they kept scooting the little slide up and up and up, and was ashamed and didn't look at the final result, and didn't ask. And I could tell that Doc had to push through a lot more flubber than before as I was poked and prodded.
So, I'm going to do what Kate is doing. One pound a week until Christmas. And those 10 lbs put me right back where I started 6 month ago, and I let me creep back up. I keep making excuses: no naptime for little E, now he goes to bed too late, I need to work if he does take a nap, etc., etc. No excuses. Somewhere in there, I can fit a few sit ups and a few minutes on the treadmill. Somewhere in there, I can start to shed a pound at a time, until I'm back where I need to be to be healthy again.
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