Thin?

No.

I haven't had my weigh in yet today, Peeps, but this weekend it was All Christmas Cookies and Red Wine All the Time.

Dawn had some more kickass weight-loss. So GO HER! YAY Dawn! Yay!!

We have a Christmas party to go to tonight and I don't want to go because I'm afraid everyone will say to The Troublemaker, "So, why'd you leave your wife and hook up with the fat chick?"

Fatty McFatfat

Howdy!

I just got back from my WW meeting. I have gained weight, which I knew, which was not a surprise given the binge-cookie eating at work and at home. I stopped eating well and stopped tracking points, which for me is the kiss of death.

I expected it, I knew it was coming, I could tell just by looking at myself that it was going to be bad. The thing is, I'm still crushed. As thought my eating behavior and what the scale says aren't related things.

There is such a disconnect in my mind between what goes in my mouth and the way that I look.

I'm beginning to track again today, and I'm going to be eating within my point range. I hate myself today. Usually people have fallbacks, but after only five pounds?? I need to lose at least 40. Five pounds into it and I'm on the way back up.

What is WRONG with me?

Weigh in - 201.4
Gain - +1.8
Total loss - 4


Four measly pounds.

Weigh In

Krissy Poopyhands Checking In.

Hi, Dawn, Kate and ELEE and other reading Peeps. I didn't updated for all this time because I was paranoid. I fell of the wagon with a resounding THUD. I did okay in England, but it was hard to turn down stuff like the airplane food. This past week I didn't even TRY to journal and just kind of kept to WW acceptable food. Kind of did more Core than points.

I was not just worried I hadn't lost, I was pretty sure I'd gained. My goal for the England trip was to gain only 2lbs and then my goal for the week after was to lose the 2lbs. If I had weighed in today at the same weight as two weeks ago, that would have been okay, but I was nervous that I'd wind up singing the fatty song at myself.

Instead, I weighed in today at 199.6

So if I gained 2lbs, I then lost 3.6.

I'm 1.4 down from where I was at my last weigh in and, more important to me psychologically, I'm back into the 100s. It feels marvelous. I'm nervous, because I did eat a whole BOX OF COOKIES earlier this week, so I don't feel like my eating is under control. At the same time, I haven't done any damage that's making me feel hopeless or useless.

I'm going to try my best to get back on plan. PLEASE LET ME GET BACK ON PLAN.

205.4 to 199.6 - A loss of almost 6lbs. For reference sake, I lost this fish.

Bye, bye fishie! Here's hoping there's another one leaving soon!

How are you doing, peeps? And thank you all for keeping me updated. You guys posting here is keeping me from hiding my head and pretending that fat doesn't exist until I turn into balloon woman and cry and cry and cry. So you rock.

KP

Speaking Too Soon

Dawn (who is doing VERY well, YAY DAWN!) said she envied me all the crap I got to eat on vacation. The thing is, Peeps, that it wasn't good. It's amazing how quickly your body gets used to decent meals and...

Well, you know how people who are seriously dehydrated are given only small amounts of water at first, even though they want to guzzle a ton? You know how people with frostbite are put in lukewarm water because the shock of hot water would kill them?

Well, it was kind of like that with the pizza.

God, I was sick. I puked. Blerg. The only two meals I really enjoyed were the chicken salad and the small jacket potato. The rest of them were too large and too heavy and left me feeling logey and pukey.

Last night I made a huge chicken salad for The Troublemaker and I and it went down happily and stayed down happily.

I was going to come here and post all of this with a sense of self-ritious fooferah. After all, although I cheated, I didn't actually enjoy it. YAY for my ethics, right?

Except that I'm so hungry today, Peeps, that for safety's sake you should keep well back of me. I'm going to eat off my own hand I'm so hungry. And I don't want more salad I want more CRAP.

The days when you finish your lunch by 11 am are days that are going to be LOOONNNNG.

Dawn also asked below if the WW treats are any good. I like them, Dawn, and another alternative is to get the packs of 100 Calorie treats at Jewel. They are two points apiece and the cookie ones are surprisingly cookie-tasting. They are crunchy and sweet and you can control how many points you get. Because they are pre-packaged they are self-limiting. You open a package and wolf it down and then get to take a break and really think about whether or not you want to open another one.

There was a chocolate fountain here today and I didn't have any. In fact, although I've been pigging, it's all WW safe and I'm still within my points.

That does not mean I don't feel like I'm going to die. Because I do. I'm going to eat my own head and die.

Holiday Results

Hi there!

So in the comments below we found that Kate got through Turkey day having only put on a pound (after losing 15 initially) and that Dawn has lost 1.6 pounds in spite of the Holiday.

I wish I had news that good, but the airline food and hotel food and nights out conspired against me. The Troublemaker swears that I haven't undone all the good I initially did and that it's not as bad as I think it is. I'm hoping I kept it to my 2 pound maximum goal, but we'll see. I should have weighed in yesterday but I was still on vacation.

It helped (and this sounds so stupid but it did) that I was feeling pretty ill while I was in London. I ate almost nothing on Saturday because I didn't think I could keep it down. I also nixed the drinking after night two. Man, I felt awful. Too much food two quickly. My body isn't used to that anymore!

It's amazing how fast your body gets used to a reasonable amount of food.

The weigh-in next week will tell all. I'm back on the wagon as of today. Congratulations to Kate and Dawn for having fun and still meeting their own expectations! Very, very cool.

PMS is my Nemesis

Oh, this week is one day old, Peep, and it's already tough as hell. I'm in the mood for eleventymillion doughnuts chased down by a large pizza and a Slurpee.

I had oatmeal for breakfast and then a banana, but I also got a sandwich when I stopped at 7-11 on my way to school. The sandwich was a turkey and swiss on pita bread with no mayo or anything and I figured that while the cals were high, the nutrition content was also much greater than, say, an APPLE FRITTER.

I'm now an hour out of finishing the sandwich and I still feel full, which is a good sign. Maybe cheating on the heavily nutritous stuff will help keep me on plan better than cheating on the empty calories.

Whatever. My goal for this coming T-Giving week is to only gain 2 pounds. It may seem crazy, but we're travelling to London and staying in a hotel and going out with friends and family for every meal. I think that a gain of 2 pounds or less could be considered a success. I'm going to try not to angst over every curry or guilt myself out of having fun.

At the same time I don't want to undo the good I've done already.

What do you think about this holiday? Are you going to try and keep losing, or is a small weight-gain worth it? What is your goal?

WW Weigh In

First of all, let me WOO HOO intrepid reader, Dawn, who has joined WW Online and will be struggling along with the rest of us. Way to fight the good fight, darlin!

As for me, I wasn't as good this weekend as I might have been. MoVo came over on Friday night and we got hammered, then I had pizza on Saturday because I was hung over. Then there was a T-Giving party last night.

I didn't do as poorly in these cases as I would have before WW, but I also didn't do great. Still:

Weight as of today: 201.0

Weight loss since last weigh-in: 2.6

Total pounds given away since start: 4.4

I'm feeling, if not exactly elated, a little pleased and smug today.

How are you doing this week, fellow weight-loss Peep?

Not Too Shabby - With A Mama's Help

So I missed the weigh-in this week, but I have to tell you that I'm feeling really good about everything.

I did go and visit mom this weekend, but because she's an old hand at WW she had WW-friendly snacks and meals ready to go. I went over my daily allowance a few times, but I don't think I used up all of my flex points for the week.

I'm getting used to consuming less. I still get hungry, but I also get full more quickly so I don't feel like I'm throwing food into a black hole. I actually get FULL.

I've also been off the sugar for two weeks and the change in my mood is remarkable. I'm just... stable. I get mad or sad or happy, but I don't get them all at once and they don't fluctuate wildly. I feel normal. Normal? Me?

The thing that prompted this desperate throwing-myself-at-Weight Watchers was a sudden and unattractive hanging gut. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen and it pulled at my body like a shirt that's too tight.

Well, it's gone. Whatever I've lost, my waist is back and my face is MUCH thinner. I feel better about myself.

Keep it up, me! It's working!

Love,

Me

Fickle, Fickle Digestive System

I'm sure there will be a backlash at some point, but yesterday I ate everything I wanted to and wound up three points under my daily points requirement. Today I had a banana for breakfast and am only now considering adding my usual oatmeal.

I no longer feel starved.

It's so weird. When I ate everything in sight I felt starvation constantly. Now I'm restricting what I eat to a reasonable amount and suddenly I'm not hungry anymore.

Guts are so fucking weird.

A P.S.

Oh, and the reason that I didn't gain wait this past week was those WW candies that I was counting as one point per candy? They are one point per PACK.

So the day I was starving it was because I was actually 7 points under my daily points. 7 points is a meal. I was missing a meal.

DURH.

Wearing My Big Girl Pants

Weight Watcher's Weigh-in today, peeps.

203.6

I've given away 1.8 pounds.

Wallace has a potty book and the final few pages say:

"YAY! I did it! And now I know I can!
I went in the potty and I will do it again!
No more diapers now, I'm as happy as can be,
I get to wear big-kid pants.
I'M SO PROUD OF ME!"

Last week I was in a very bad way, Peeps. It took me a few days to get my act together, and I wasn't true to my points allowance, but I had yet another breakthrough. It's the same breakthrough I've had before, but it's still true.

Without the sugar I'm on such an even keel. Two nights ago I was out and wanted to get Wallace a hair cut. We went to Burger King. I was defiant and full of toddler rage about food. I wanted that Burger King! So I got it.

And when I ate it, I found that while, yeah, it was nice, I actually cared about being healthy more. It immediately ceased being about what Weight Watchers would "let" me have, and started being a more mature, "What do I actually want?" type of thing.

Today I lost 1.8lbs, even with my oopses. This past week I did it, and now I know I can. I stuck with my points some days and I will do it again. No more fatty now, I'm as happy as can be. I can wear my Big Kid pants. I'M SO PROUD OF ME!

Hating What Is Good For Me

I started Weight Watchers last Monday, with my actual following-of-the-diet to begin on Tuesday. Except Tuesday was Jury Duty and Halloween, so that did not exactly go to plan.

Then Wendesday I did okay in the morning, but wound up feeling deprived and put-upon and gorged in the evening. Bye-bye, Wednesday!

Yesterday I was determined to follow my points allwance. Absolutely determined. And I did it. And I can tell you honestly that I don't know when I've ever been that hungry in my whole fucking life.

I had:

1 cup Cheerios - 2pts
1 cup No sugar soymilk - 2pts
1 large apple - 2pts
1 banana - 2 pts
1 sm tub bluberry lowfat yogurt - 3pts
1 pack of "fruities", no sugar candy - 8 pts
2 and a half servings of crock pot dinner (2/3 cup one serving) - 5pts
1 skinny cow ice cream sandwich - 2pts

That all adds up to my point allowance of 26 points.

Now, maybe it's just me, but that looks like a horribly megre amount of food. Where's lunch in that? Was the tub of fuckign yogurt lunch? Because it took me two seconds to eat it and it did nothing about the hunger.

My stomach was actually RUMBLING last night.

But I did it. I stuck to it. It made me crazy like someone going off the herion, but I did it.

And today I'm actually feeling ritious and good. DAMMIT. One day off sugar and I'm no longer experiencing the mood swings. Seriously. How come I cannot stay off it? I'm obviously much happier, not to mention my poor family, when I'm off the sugar and more emotionally stable.

I don't know if I'm ever going to learn this, but I'm going to try.

Today I've had two packets of lowfat oatmeal and a banana, and I'm still feeling ritious.

Cross your fingers for me, peeps. This is fucking HARD.

The Right Thing To Do

So, Peeps, I'm back at Weight Watchers. We just had our first meeting and oh, how different it is from the first WW meeting I was ever at.

They've gotten cleverer and cleverer and more streamlined. They've also really gotten good at defining and motivating weight loss. It seems stupid and cliche, but I really did leave the meeting feeling like I could do this. And not because I'm a total superhero, yeah man! but because one step at a time is all it takes.

Not unlike what Kate and Dawn have been saying here. Baby steps.

My weigh-in was 205.4. That was painful, but not NEARLY as painful as I thought it would be. If I can be at 205.4 and eat a plateful of cookies every night, think what will happen when I stop.

Hang in there with me. I don't want to look like this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The only person I'm hurting is me. I want to give myself permission to get out of fat jail.

Dear Krissy Poopyhands:

LET ME OUT OF FAT JAIL!

Love,

Krissy Poopyhands

A Visit to WW Past

Kate was kind enough, in the comments below, to post:

So my point is, I think you'll enjoy it, I certainly hope so. Good luck!!!

She's right. I'm a return visitor to the Weight Watchers program. I generally lose 20lbs or so on WW (although I've never started it as heavy as I am now). Historically I last longer with WW than with anything else, and they helped form the basis of what I understand as healthy eating, particularly in terms of portions.

I get frustrated easily with the program because the recepies all tend to include items that I can't have too often. Lemon or onions, mostly. Without those ingredients, many of the recepies are inedibly disgusting.

Still, the idea is great and the weekly weigh-in is good motivation.

This time around I'm stressed. REALLY STRESSED. I'm eating like a maniac, and while I should stop it, I don't feel so inclined. In fact, I feel inclined to STUFF MY FUCKING FACE FUCK YOU WEIGHT WATCHERS. I was waiting for a zen moment to stop hating myself and stop eating cookie dough and sign up, but then I figured that if I wait for that zen moment it will never happen.

So I joined. I join with resentment and grumpiness and no expectation of success, but I join. Hopefully I'll start losing and my attitude will catch up.

Weight Fucking Watchers

I just joined Weight Watchers. I'm feeling very, very surly about it. In my head I'm DARING someone to tell me I can't eat brownies.

I don't know that this is a good beginning.

Back after a long hiatus

I'm back because I hate myself.

I'm back here because during this stressful part of my life I have been eating and eating and eating just to try and cover up how lost and alone and in-over-my-head I feel.

I can't stand pictures of me. I can't stand seeing my reflection in a window. And I can't stop eating.

I hate myself.

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

197.4

Weight gain: .4
% Body Weight gained: .2

You know, I never thought that 197.4 would look good, but given that my entire three-week vacation was spent indulging in cookies, candy, pizza and other various and sundry delicious treats, I was expecting to be up above 200 again. I'm not! I'm still fat, but I'm not over 200lbs.

I'll take it as a victory and feel good about myself today.

I also think that I'm going to find a dance class to take, hopefully two nights a week, and try and get into shape that way.

I was never so thin or happy as when I was swing dancing. I miss the swing scene so much sometimes. Although, of course I could never do what I did then and mother at the same time.

I like to move it, move it...

Oooooooo. Professional Slime!

Someone has commented below:

Maybe if you didn't have your little fucker brat, you'd still have a somewhat cute figure. 200 pounds?! DAMN - you're HUGE! Don't bother responding - the address is spoofed. ;)

I love the dickless/entirely lacks testicles approach. See, John Josephs there wouldn't be brave enough to so much as waft his personal stench in the direction of a woman in real life, fat or not. Instead he leaves anonymous nastygrams to random people while masturbating furiously.

Watch that hand, John. It's likely to fall off! But keep up the attempts to communicate and someday you, yes you, will even be able to talk to a REAL girl! Probably only on a weekender chat line, and she probably won't be a real girl, but hey, it's better than life now!

Meanwhile I'd like to agree that yes, I'm huge. And no, it isn't the fucker brat (for which phrasing you'll be going straight to hell, have a nice trip) it's actually the neverending eating and total lack of exercise. Next time try paying attention before you infest another site with your particular brand of inanity. The rude and pointless post would be more palatable if you had exhibited a modicum of actual intelligence.

Meanwhile, for those of you who's mothers had kids that lived, soon there will be another weigh-in. A post-vacation weigh in. At which time my elephantine ass will get on the scale and break it all to hell.

Will there be another tsunami? Will entire coastlines run in terror?

Stay tuned!

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

197.0

Weight gain: .2
% Body Weight gained: 0.1

I'm a whole 1.4 pounds lighter than when I started this project. I'm feeling like an elephant today.

God, I'm all over rashy, I'm sick, and I'm fat.

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm attractive.

I think that this all has a lot more to do with what a I don't do than with what I do. I haven't figured out yet how to say No. How long will it take? Do alcoholics wonder this? What is it going to take?

I hate my body for so many reasons.

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

196.8

Weight gain: 1.2
% Body Weight gained: 0.6

Fuck.

I'm fat and I hate myself. I know everyone says to ixnay the elfsay atehay, but dude.. the difference between WOO HOO! LOOK AT ME! and Die you fat bitch appears to be all of ten pounds.

How depressing is it that I can't manage to keep ten pounds lighter?

Fuck.

How did you do?

Who I Want to Be

By Krissy Poopyhands

I want to be someone who can sit down and eat until I am full, and then stop.

I want to be someone who enjoys working out and is content to find four or five hours in a week to get out there and run.

I want to be someone who looks healthy. Who is able to project the overall effect of being generally fit.

I want to be someone who can walk into a Gap or Express and try on some clothes and have them fit. They don't have to be smalls, and they don't have to look good, they just have to zipper.

My brother-in-law is getting married a year from this coming July or August. His bride is adorable and teeny and he is thin. They are healthy vegan-types and are incredibly cool. I'm not, peeps, NOT going to the UK looking like this next year. Next to all the people in London I'll look like a beached whale.

I thought I'd put together a list of pictures that might help me keep in mind what I'd like to look like. Dresses that I'd like to be able to wear. On my first sweep through Google, this is what I came up with:

















I made this sweep a few weeks ago, playing with my imagination and hoping that I'd look a certain way. Upon reflection today I realized that I'm an idiot. If I lost every bit of fat on my body I wouldn't look like these women. When I'm fit, I'm not little. I'm muscular. The boobies! The Butt! It wouldn't look like these women do, no matter how infatuated I am with the wraithy gorgeousness of Cate Blanchett.

So I'm on a mission today to collect more realistic images of women I might resemble more if I became the sort of person who ate reasonable portions; stopped when she was full; and excercised regularly.

I'm going to be thinner when I get to London, peeps, because there are going to be baby Ts and clothes to try on. I'm not shopping in no UK fat lady stores.

P.S. - Doesn't Carrie Fisher look awful from the waist down in that photo? It's like normal torso than eeeny beeny legs. And her calves are about the thickness of her wrists. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

195.6

Weight gain: 1.2
% Body Weight gained: 0.6

It was a crap week that involved sitting around for long periods of time and pigging out on ice cream and cookies and other crap. I have been feeling awful, and there's something satisfying about my outside looking like my inside feels. Isn't that sick?

I need to keep at it. I need to cut out the sugar again. The sugar is a worse addiction than anything else I've ever encountered. Uck.

How was your week? Did you avoid the pit that I fell into?

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

194.4

Weight loss: -.8
% Body Weight lost: 0.4

So the runNANG and walking appears to have helped, because I certainly haven't been laying off the crap food the way I should.

How are you doing this week, peeps?

We Were Run-NING

How the hell do you ever hear it any other way if you've seen Forest Gump? Run-NANG.

Anyhow, the Troublemaker convinced me to go to the gym yesterday and we were run-NANG. It was far too hard to do, good lord it doesn't take long to get out of shape does it? But we did it. I walked/ran two miles. I also brought my stuff to go runNANG today at lunch.

Originally my goal was to try and work up a sweat for 30 minutes every day. That kind of got lost behind the cake and the fork, if you know what I mean. But it's time to get back on the wagon!



AgAIN.

Ugh.

Ready?

Here we go:

195.2

Weight loss: +.4
% Body Weight gained: 0.2

Look, I appear to have given up at some point during this process. This week I'm going to try and get back on board. You all help me so much by talking to me and telling me how you're doing. Don't disappear!

Where are you, peeps? How are you doing?

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

194.8

Weight loss: +1
% Body Weight gained: 0.5

Happy Anniversary to me! Guh. I hate this, I really do. I hate my body and would be just fine digging out the icky bits. WITH A SPORK.

How did you do this week?

A Giant Step!

In exactly the wrong direction.

There are a thousand excuses for it, peeps, up to and including the Happy Anniversary sheet cake that was oh-so-delicious, but I do NOT want to step on that scale tomorrow. No no no no.

I'll do it, because I love you, but I want you to know that I'm feeling very sorry for myself and put-upon by all this. What kind of universe is it where I have to learn to not eat half a sheet cake??? The crappy kind, that's what.

The Troublemaker says that the only losing is if I give up. So I'm going to keep trying. Again. I'm getting tired of trying, but I'm also not going to die of a heart attack at 40. Period.

Damn, this is tough.

BACK, FOUL SCALE! BACK!

Anyone else out there afraid?

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

193.8

Weight loss: -1
% Body Weight lost: 0.5

So, moving in the right direction. Just have to keep going.

Check in, Peeps! I'm still waiting to hear from the Troublemaker.

EDIT: The Troublemaker wins again!! He lost two (2) pounds and 1% of his bodyweight!

GO TROUBLEMAKER

I'm Losing Weight MENTALLY, Thank You

So. Um. So the weight loss is not going so well. The Easter Bunny brought chocolate and with it my sugar addiction. YAY!

The Troublemaker won last week and has collected his prize, of which we will not speak, but I think he's a little worried that I've given up. Which is valid, because I think I gave up for a little bit, there. I'm definately gaining instead of losing, which is shitty of me since it takes so little for me to lose.

I'm having a salad for lunch today, peeps, and will do what I can to get back on the bandwagon. I'll do it today. Right now.

How are your plans going?

The Troublemaker Wins!!!

Yep, he lost as much as I gained, so this week my Troublemaker wins!

Good on him.

Right now I'm eating a salad. Watch this space for next week because I don't like to lose.

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

194.8

Weight loss: +1.4
% Body Weight gained: 0.7

Thank you, Easter Bunny! You friggin asshole.


This is what happens when you eat chocolate and pizza and crap for days and don't move. Well, this is what happens when I do it. I think it's pretty much guaranteed that I lose this week. How did you do, peeps? I'll let you know what happens when the Troublemaker checks in.

The Holiday of Chocolate

Did not go by un-indulged.

In fact, this week may see a gain instead of a loss. We do what we can.

Kate once made up a list of how many "special" occasions there are in a year, and my lands there are three cheat-worthy events every month.

I have to figure out a way not to let the fact that it's Easter, or, you know, Thursday, get in the way of how I eat. I have to find a different way to celebrate special occasions.

How did you do this Easter, peeps?

Wednesday Weigh In

This post lost to the mists of time.

I did well, though.

Let the Pre-Pouting Begin!

The Troublemaker cheated and got on the scale today, folks. Let's just say that I'd have to lose a hell of a lot of weight this week to beat him. And given my boozy, cakey weekend, I'll be pleased if I didn't gain.

I balanced the eating out with a lot of yardwork and chasing after the kid and housework, so I kept active, but I don't know that it's going to be enough to counteract the calories I packed in.

Tomorrow morning is going to be rough. Hold me, peeps!

Exercise - A+! Food - Z-.

So the exercising has been better than the food this week. We'll see what happens. Usually when I get going I lose even if I don't eat well, but I really should eat better.

It's hard to make good choices on birthdays. Too much cake!

Who knew there could be such a thing?

Went Running

Yep, Peeps, I took the advice of the intrepid Kate and went running at lunch. I basically showered yesterday with those medical disposable washcloths and doused myself liberally in deoderant and baby powder. I have a friend who sits next to me at work on Smell Watch, and if anything so much as tickles her nose she's going to let me know.

I ran down to the lake, then up and through Millenium Park, past the Bean and back to work. It was probably about two miles and it felt fantastic. I feel fantastic.

But The Troublemaker is determined to win this week. I'll have to double my efforts!

How has the moving/shaking been going mit you?

Yet Another Note To Self

Dear Self,

This is hard. If it were easy, everyone would be fit and thin and there are a whole lot more people like you out there than like jazzercise leaders. The thing is, you have to plan.

If you're going to be active, and you know this, know that you're going to be hungrier and do something before you're desperate. Try the fiber supliment thing from the book. Make yourself another garden burger or eat three yogurts instead of one. All those choices would be better than sneaking out and having a cheeseburger and fries.

If you MUST MUST MUST have one, then have one. Don't beat yourself up or freak out or do it more than once a month, tops. But for chrissake, try other things before going out for the cheesburger.

And remember: don't let yourself get hungry, but nobody said that you could do this without being crabby. Hungry and jonesing are not the same feeling. Learn to tell the difference.

I'm back in the saddle, peeps. Momentary lapse. Bad choice. I give it up and start again right now.

Self: Good job so far. Don't dissapoint me. You're the only one you hurt.

K

Wednesday Weigh In

Ready?

Here we go:

195.6!

Weight loss: -2.8
% Body Weight: 1.4

My husband lost 2.3lbs. WOO HOO!!

Still, my % total weight loss is bigger, so I win! Hooray!

On the right track. Now I just have to keep going.

What is your weight today, peeps?

You Don't Sweat Much For a Fat Chick

And other pick-up lines

I just took myself on a walk down to the lake and back for about 40 minutes. While I was walking I realized that I should probably be jogging, what with the fun and many things to see in the city and all.

However, I'm not fortunate enough to be one of those people who have stank-free bodies after running. How do those runny people I see running manage to do it and not alienate the entire office? How do I carry my running gear to and from home along with the computer and brick mommypurse?

I am interested in this phenomenon, yet afraid. Do you do it?

Eating Will Not Make it Better

I found myself repeating this over and over like a mantra after a particularly difficult Sunday.

I only half believed myself and only half listened. The weekends are brutal.

I'm afraid to get on the scale on Wednesday.

Is anyone else out there weighing in?

Say Ten Hail Marys and Eat a Carrot

Or: Higher Math

In a comment below, ELEE wrote:

I find it interesting that OA uses the "higher power" when weight loss, for me, is all about ME BEING IN CONTROL. *I* am the only one who controls what food goes into my mouth. And *I* am the only one that can put one foot in front of the other to get my A$$ out the door at 5:30 in the morning for a daily walk. The "God (or whoever) is in control" mantra completely baffles me.

My biggest hurdle, therefore, is Taking control. Because like another of your commenters on your other site, usually I want to turn in my Grown-Up card and let someone else do the hard things for me. :) Like finances. And Work. And Counting Calories.

I think that is a very astute observation; perhaps is essentially the difference between type A and type B personalities, and calls for some clarification into the difference between control and accountability.

To begin, we need to examine the nature of weight loss and gain. In its simplest form, weight loss is a math problem. We utilize X amount of calories in a period of time, we require X amount of cals to cover that expenditure. Should we exceed spending what we deposit, we deplete the fat. Should we exceed depositing what we spend, we gain it. Of course, there are days when the numbers are skewed more one way than another; your bank account dips and rises, yes?; but over time the numbers should approach a nice healthy = sign.

Of course, there are things that can affect that equation. If you are unlucky enough to have an impaired metabolism you have to seriously decrease the amount your body utilizes and that can lower your intake number to ridiculous levels. If you have an overactive thyroid and your body uses enormous amounts of energy it can be tough to increase intake levels to match. But, at the end of the day, the formula is the same. That's why for a billion years the best weight loss advice has been "Eat less, exercise more". Which is another way of saying: "Decrease input, increase output". (Also why WW tends to work. They live this math.)

Having established this as TRUTH, why do so many of us have difficulties?

There are many reasons an individual may have a tough time. Physical handicaps that prevent exercise or halt the processing of food. Medications that increase the sensation that your body needs additional cals that it actually doesn't. In most cases the only advice is to do the best you can and try and love yourself no matter what the result.

However, for most of the people I know, including myself darlings, the answer is that we take a math question and pretend it's a fiction essay. We hover and chew over feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings that having fat/seeing fat/fearing fat/feeling fat/dreaming fat/wanting fat evoke and as we do we find ever more reasonable excuses to eat chocolate cake. For chrissake, my navel-gazing over at Speckblog could make stone cry and yet has nothing whatever to do with the pounds on my thighs.

My mom didn't teach me the right skills

I eat when I'm depressed

I eat when I'm happy

My family always ate like this

I just feel so down unless I have a little something sweet

It's the DON'T BLAME ME I'M THE VICTIM! syndrome, and it's ridiculous how many individuals have bought into this piece of pap. Dude, if you're under 16 I might buy that your home life sets you up to fail and it's not your faaaaaaaauuuult. Anyone over 18 who has been out of the basement in the last ten years gives me that line of bull and I fall all over myself laughing. As we have discussed, the buck stops with you (me).

We are all accountable for what we do to our bodies.

However, control is something else entirely. Control is an active, not passive state. Active states are easy to maintain over short periods, but become more difficult to sustain long-term. In the end, particularly for type A personalities such as myself, control becomes the built-in release valve that ensures failure.

I lock down control of all food and all exercise. I control my environment entirely and eat nothing bad and exercise to extreme levels. I am BIONIC WOMAN. Then, as all superheroes eventually do, I fail. I go to a party where there's cake and have a slice. I fail to wake up in time to get to the gym. I'm human. It's what happens.

At that point my CONTROL is gone and I think to myself, "You fat, horrid pig. Since you are obviously not fit to be in CONTROL then you might as well have another cookie". It's the myth that in all times and places I am going to make 100% good choices and because I am IN CONTROL, pathologically so, when I fall I abandon all effort and sink into self-loathing.

Giving up control to a higher power is actually very passive. Frankly, giving up control at all is very passive. Ghandi was fantastic at it and is a good example to look to. The world exists. I exist. I do not need to chew (as it were) over whether or not I will eat that piece of cake for the next three hours because it's not my decision. My higher power makes the decision for me because I will make a mistake and eat the cake.

I have found (in the whole five days I've been working this way, so bear in mind my opinion is as fickle as a summer breeze) that this way of looking at the decisions surrounding food takes phenomenally less effort. Less effort means a longer sustainability.

Also, if I fall, as I will, being human and all, that doesn't mean that anything internally is awry. It simply means that I stepped forward and made one bad decision that is reversible and certainly minor as long as I don't repeat it. Until the next slip up.

Please keep in mind that I have no idea whether or not this approach will work, but it seems to be working for a lot of folks in OA and is the only way I have ever seen individuals sustain significant healthy living over any long-term period. It has to stop being a battle because all of us get battle-weary.

Of course, then there is the type B personality who is likely to decide that it's SEP (Somebody Else's Problem) and ignore the whole thing. I think that what folks who feel that way should examine is the concept of accountability. Nobody else will not eat the cookie for you. You have to be willing to accept that the fate of the cookie is in your hands, and then give that decision up to someone/something that can make a better one that you're likely to.

And I didn't mean to get all preachy, but I'm really typing to myself here. The Give It Up plan is a new one for me and I'm still working through the mental wedgies involved.

I adore picking mental wedgies.

A First Wednesday Weigh-in

Alright, fellow losers, it's time for the first weigh-in of this our first weight-loss season. I bought a scale especially for the occasion.

Drumroll please:

198.4

Believe it or not, this is a cheaty weight, since I'm fairly sure that before the no-sugar start on Saturday I was above 200lbs.

Hooray!

Now, as we go along, every week the Troublemaker and I will weigh in. The person who loses the most (based on % of body weight) will get a "night off" to be used that week or a week when it can actually happen.

We are still discussing the finer points, but both the Troublemaker and I have weighed in and are starting the game!

If you'd like to join in we can do a weekly contest. The winner will get a fancy-schmancy ribbon for their website for the week plus something else which I will think of later.

Anyone ready to play?

Whatthefuctose?

Just for fun I took a look at the information the free no-sugar-added instant hot chocolate our office offers. The ingredients seemed fairly innocuous and the only "ose" or sugar, was Splenda.

Then I looked at the values and there were 7g of sugars listed.

Do cocoa beans have their own sugars? It looks like, essentially, cocoa, Splenda and evaporated milk. Ahhhh, could be the milk I suppose.

I've been having splenda in my coffee in the mornings and I thought it was comparable to saccharine, but if it's a sugar of any kind I'm going to have to find out.

Right now I'm drinking green tea instead.

Trying to Find a Quiet Place to Begin

I know that I promised all sorts of sensational things, the most sensational of those (in the circus freak sort of way) is a photo of me in a bikini. I still intend to do this, I promise, but I've been trying to figure out how to go at this weight loss thing from a mental perspective.

When my mom was in town we had a big conversation about weight loss motivation and talked about the Overeaters Anonymous thing where I have a problem with a higher power. Essentially, it comes down to giving up control. Accepting that I'm not able to be in charge of everything. Ask anyone who knows me: I am notoriously bad at this.

My mom called it the monkey and the jar syndrome. If you give a monkey a jar with a treat inside he will put his hand inside, grab the object but can't get his hand out with the treat because his hand is in a fist. Rather than open his fist very often that monkey will sit there and suffer just holding on to that treat. Refusing to let go no matter how much he suffers with this jar on his hand.

She also told me, very insightfully, that I have a hard time feeling like I can achieve anything unless I'm angry about it. I would argue that the proper word is "passionate", but I can't deny that thus far all attacks on my weight have been just that. I break out the big guns and run myself ragged and whip myself bloody over every mistake and go go go!

And then, predictably, about a month into the process I get tired. Exhausted. I run out of steam entirely and wind up eating whatever I see because I just can't fight it anymore.

This time around I am trying to find a way to let go. A way to agree to come to terms with the reality of my food and weight without entering into the grand fight. I think that letting go of the anger and passion is the way to get out of the rut I'm in and maybe learn to give up some control. Any time I feel myself tensing up or embarking on some self-loathing, I remind myself that it hasn't gotten me anywhere permanent before. Why would it now?

Only a madman does the same thing over and over again and expects a different outcome.

I'm trying to find a quiet center. A way to let go. So far I'm doing okay and have been able to turn down most of the sweets that have been offered to me.

What is your biggest weight-loss hurdle, do you think?

Comments

Whoops!

Sorry about that. I changed the settings and now anyone can comment.

Sorry for freezin' you out. Yo.

I have not had sugar for three days and both Lisa and I did NOT eat the most delicious chocolate pudding in the world at our local restaurant last night.

I want a damned medal.

Things to Come

Okay, one or two folks have already found their way here: Hi Lise! and so I'm going to get this show on the road.

Lately I've had fatigue and bachache and a thousand other things that tell me that the weight is starting to have an impact on more than my psychological wellbeing. Yes, yes, we knew this, but it sometimes takes the stupid among us several months to catch on.

Now, my husband is a smarty and all he has to do to decide to lose weight is to look in the mirror and say, "I must lose some weight". Me, I have to have a gimmick, so I'm going to go all America's Biggest Loser on us.

I'm going to take before pictures in a bathing suit and yes, I will post them. We're going to do an initial weigh-in and then weekly weigh ins. The results will be tabulated according to who lost the greatest percentage of body weight and the winner that week gets a night/day off of all household duties. Whoever achieves their goal first or has lost most by a certain to-be-determined date will get the Grand Prize.

I'll keep you all posted and post lots of disgusting pictures, which I know is the reason you'll show up anyway, cheeky monkey, and if you want to participate, please do. Please please do.

This is all going to be embarassing enough. I don't want to be the only one out there with a fat ass.

WELCOME TO POOPYHANDS JUNCTION

Where the subject is all weight loss all the time. I'll be your conducter, KP, for the remainder of the trip and I invite you to sit back and enjoy the fat fighting voyaristically, or join in actively. Ridicule, snark, sympathize, comment, or dismiss.

ALL ABOARD!