Many lists, excuses, reasonings, opinions and other billious brilliance.
I realize the silence around these parts for the past, what, six months?, has been deafening. In the echoing emptiness I'm sure you heard the creak and pop of the fabric in my jeans as I gained even more weight and the happy squeeky voices of a thousand new excuses being born every minute.
There are several reasons I'm back here, one being the aforementioned creaks and popping noises, and the others being as complex as the fabric of my brain, which lately appears to be caked in the mud of pointless emotion.
In an effort to stop myself going on in a manner of the previous unreadable paragraph, I'm going to write some lists instead. Okay? Okay.
LIST #1 - IT IS VITAL THAT I LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. My health is beginning to suffer - Things are being sprained that shouldn't be sprained because any effort on top of already carrying the weight I have is hurting me.
2. My mental health is in bad shape - Seeing myself heavy in the mirror is devistating. Losing the endorphins by not excercising is having a real effect. Sugar does not actually improve my mood, but makes it worse.
3. Money - My wardrobe cannot be replaced every five minutes while my weight pogosticks up and down from month-to-month. Stacy and Clinton would be appalled by what I leave the house in some days, but a ten pound practically overnight weight gain leaves me reeling. I just plain can't afford to be yoyoing anymore.
4. I'm about to lose my health insurance - That's right! When I leave for school in August I quit my job, which means not only the loss of that income, but the loss of my incredible health insurance. I'm on Lipitor right now and I need to be OFF it, because it costs more than gold boullon with the help of insurance and is plain unavailable to the underinsured.
5. Bad Mommy - My kid is now three and is quickly reaching the point where he can outrun me in distance and speed. That is just pathetic. Pretty soon I'll have to start wearing flip flops so I can have something on hand to throw at him as I lumber down the aisle of Target chasing his swiftly retreating back.
6. Bad wife - Here! Have sex with this hippopotomus!
7. Prejudice - Like it or lump it, there is a preconceived notion that individuals who are overweight cannot control their impulses, have lower self esteem, and are generally slobbier and stupider than the rest of the general population. While I have not found this to be necessarily the case myself, it does affect how people perceive you. I'm about to embark on a new career path. I would like people to see ME, first, and not my weight.
LIST #2 - I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE:
1. I'm afraid of failing - I'm afraid that I'll give it all I've got, the best I've got, and I'll still not lose an ounce. This is highly unlikely, but it is likely that I won't lose as much as I want, as fast as I want, or with the poise I want. I'm afraid that I will try as hard as I can and still be a sad sack of fat. So I'm afraid of proving that deep down I really am what I look like.
2. I'm afraid of succeeding - I'm afraid that if I manage to lose the weight that people will expect me to always be perfect. I'm afraid of becoming food-obsessed, because that's all I've ever seen work. People turn their lives into being about food every minute, just so they don't fall off the wagon. I hate that.
3. I'm afraid of the attention - When you're fit it's not just Brad Pitt that looks at you appreciatively, it's that skeevy guy down the hall who leers and licks his lips and suggests a threesome with his dog. Men, in my experience, are shameless and that kind of attention can be hard to take. I have not yet grown up and understood that I can tell him to get the fucking fuck away from me. I'm still the kid who was molested on the subway at 14 with no idea what to do or how to handle it. Being thinner, for me, increases the vulnerability. Scary.
4. I'm terrified to lose the comfort - I eat to comfort myself. I've been going through a particular rough patch and not having rules in place about how to limit the comfort I'm getting (even though it's from food) feels like it's kept me from losing my mind. Will I go absolutely bananas when I can't turn to food for comfort? Sometimes the loony bin has seemed closer than ever; I don't want to go there.
LIST #3 - FIVE STEPS I AM GOING TO TAKE IMMEDIATELY, WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT:
1. Revive the Weightloss Junction - To remember that underneith all this fat is a person, and she has the right to come out and live if she wants to.
2. No snacking in front of the computer - If I want a snack I must get up and get one and not eat in front of the flickering screne of numbness and happiness.
3. A drink of water first - I want a snack? I can have one! I just have to drink a glass of water first. Every time.
4. Take my vitamins - Must take Vite D, Calcium, Magnesium and Fish oil with breakfast and lunch, and a decent multi-vite with dinner.
5. Get on the treadmill and walk - No requirement for length or walking speed. Just MUST press "Start" and put one foot in front of the other tonight. Period.
So that's where I am, darlings. I'm off to look for a table that I can embed with my current weight and measurements, and can use to mark my progress. I have lots more to write and tell you about, but right now this has kind of taken everything I have, which is a good start, I think.
More soon,
Love,
KP
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5 comments:
Okay here are my responses to you post....
Yes.
Me too.
and
Right there with ya (literally).
I will do everything I can to join in your fight against what we love. That includes the next time you come over for dinner the menu will not include anything with the following words in the title "bread" or "pudding".
I cannot afford to buy more clothes either...Fingers will kill me. I have to get rid of so much as it is...I would prefer that they are larger clothes not smaller ones.
Yay! You're back!
I rekindled the weight loss quest as well, and so far, it's working. Here's what is ACTUALLY working for me. I'm not following any diet, but I did join biggestloserclub.com and watch The Biggest Loser religiously, because, well, it helps me feel like I need to get off the couch.
Anyway, things that are helping.
1. Eating a bowl of Weight Control oatmeal in the morning. It actually works!
2. Drinking Crystal Light or Sugar-free Kool-aid that I can buy in the single serving size. Not as healthy as water, not as terrible as diet soda, but it keeps me from drinking stuff full of sugar.
3. I stocked up on Fat-Free chocolate pudding snacks. Even in my biggest binge, eating 3 of those babies is still less fat and calories than a bowl of ice cream or sitting down with a bag of cookies!
4. Gum. I chew it. A lot. I have lots of flavors. When I get the itch to put something in my mouth and chew for no other reason than boredom, I now reach for gum. And it works!
5. The treadmill. I do 30 minutes however I can 3x a week. I don't care if I f*ng crawl on the damn thing, I get on and keep going until the 30 minutes are up. And you know what? As crappy as I feel when I start, I actually do feel better at the end. I still hate it though!
6. I weigh-in once a week, and am making hubby do it, too. I know he'll lose weight faster and easier, but it helps knowing he's watching what I'm doing, too.
So far, I've lost 4 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm not starving myself, working out like crazy, or anything else that I know I cannot do because of how often I have failed. I'm simply trying to change bad habits and get healthy. Let's face it, I'll never have the body I did at 21. But I want to have a better body than I have now by my birthday this year.
Go you! Go me!
What an inspiring post ~ I really relate to #1, #2, #3, and #7 of reasons why to lose. You'll persevere ~ you have a great attitude.
I love your list and look forward to reading more about your success with weight loss! (and thank you for making me laugh out loud with the vision of the flying flip flop in Target!!)
So honest, so brave, good for you, I'm with you and wishing up both serious success this time around!
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