Friday, August 31, 2007

Too many loose ends

It's Friday and there are too many loose ends today, for my taste. Everywhere I look I see things that need to be returned , put away, cleaned up, clarified......you name it.

My rose colored glasses are more like pink today. In fact, I'm a little bit grouchy. Maybe not grouchy maybe just tired. It could go either way. I find that is one thing strange about being by myself most of the day. With no immediate feedback from other people it can be hard to know exactly how I feel. Does that make any sense?

Okay. Info time.

Blood sugar:
125

This is probably the source of my discontent. The fluctuation of glucose value is a mystery to me. I'm not really too worried about the 125 but I don't understand how it can be 109 one day and 125 the very next day. I mean I'm not stupid, I know it has to do with exercise and things but my lifestyle habits have become standardized to the point of being dull even at the ripe old age of 52.

Scale:

I've dropped another pound. Good news ! So far ( from my high point 4-5 months ago ) I've lost 30 lbs. I still have another 30 to go. Ugh. Depressing. Maybe this is another source of my discontent. (I'm such a spoiled brat. I should be doing the Funky Chicken and singing "Joy to the world" right? )

Yesterday's Post OP check-up for gallbladder surgery:

I'm doing very well. However, I am not allowed to go back to the aqua aerobics for another week. A major bummer for me. I just know that my glucose would be lower if I could exercise.

Hummmmmm. How startling. I find I'm more concerned about the blood sugar than the weight loss. Who Knew?

Well, there you have it. I've decided. I'm grouchy because I'm tired. As almost three year old Wallace would say, "Sounds good, yea?"

So, what makes your glasses turn pink instead of rosy rose colored?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Nana P is Learning to be Kind to Herself

While I thrash around innefectively.

Seriously, reading NP's post below, wouldn't you rather be like her? She's eating well and excercising regularly. She's brave enough to take her blood sugars and get on the scale.

And she has somehow managed to make me realize that the part of me who encourages me to just go for it is not my enemy, just a well-meaning but misguided friend.

I now have something to think about today. So often my first response is "how can I beat this situation into submission?" and NP's is "How can I make this work for me?"

That's one of the coolest things about her. Hmmmmmmm...

I just KNOW it.

It's pretty early here in Nana land. Grampa Poopyhands just left for work and I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee. This is the time of morning when I have to do two things each day without fail.

1) Take a fasting blood sugar.
Done: 112

Hey, not too bad really.

2) Step on the scale.
Not done yet

I feel so good this morning I know that I'm gonna hop on that scale and it will say that I'm at my perfect goal weight.

How, do I know this? Well. I woke up easily. My blood sugar is good. I've been very faithful to my diet for a couple of months. I've lost weight steadily. And, I'm a little hungry.

CAUTION:

It's these successful mornings that get me in trouble. Because of the positive feelings I have and after two months of success, my young and healthy inner person is saying:

" see, you don't have a weight issue. You're too healthy and smart. Don't worry about it. Live and enjoy life. Stop making this a big deal in your life. "

And I really love my inner healthy person. She is fun. She is young. She is athletic and strong.

I really, really like her.

But here's the problem. She is very seductive. I always seem to get to this point in my weight loss and turn to her because she is everything I want to be. Not everything I really am.

I get lost in her carefree thinking. And I usually take her advice. I stop making this a big deal in my life. It's a fatal mistake for me. It's called magical thinking and I appear to be a master.

I stop food journaling. I stop avoiding certain foods. And, most importantly, I stop stepping on the scale. And after a week, she abandons me.

I end up feeling as if I just bought oceanfront property in Arizona . Humiliated.

So folks, after this morning cup of coffee I'm headed upstairs to hop on the scale. Not because I feel bad or desperate about having to loose weight, no, quite the opposite.

It's because I've just had coffee with my inner healthy self. I love her but I want to remember that she is unreliable. Well intended but unreliable.

I'm done with my coffee and now I'm headed up for a shower including stepping on the scale for a healthy dose of reality.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Why oh why??

Have you ever wondered what would happen if your brain was suddenly transported into someone else's physical body?? Oh please, of course you have.


What would the world look like? What would it feel like? I have sometimes fantasized about suddenly owning someone else's physical body and being absolutely overwhelmed by what that body endures on a continual basis.


After all I still have my brain and my learned experiences. Are any of my own coping mechanisms transferable to someone else's physical senses?


I wonder, since my brain is somewhat neurologically confused due to MS, when the donor body was properly hookup to my brain, what would happen to all of the donor nerve cells? Would my right foot buzz all day like it does in my body? Or, would I find out that what I thought was a buzzing foot is someone’s normal foot mode?


Still, as Krissy reminded me yesterday, since they haven't really perfected the teleportation skills promised in 1967, I might, in fact, just explode losing both my cherished, if not perfect, brain and someone else's innocent body at the same time.


And, why oh why, am I even thinking about this while trying to loss weight??


Okay, here's why.


Most of us have pictures of ourselves that when they were taken made us just cringed. Too fat. Too pale, Too plain, Too drunk, Wrong hair, Bad clothes and the list goes on and on. You know what I mean.


We have also all had the experience of looking at those same pictures years later and wondering "what the hell was I thinkin??" I looked good !!! ( except for the clothes issue. There will never be enough time to correct the fashion disaster of my youth, the 60's)


Well, it occurred to me this morning that maybe looking at those pictures after so many years is a little like seeing yourself as others see you. You know, the brain, body thing....


And, if you do look good so many years later to the person you've become, there is an excellent chance that you truly looked that good to everyone else back then too. Get it???


If you want to be a pooh about it, you could just say the short version of all this thinking is " You are your own worst critic". You would be right, of course. I have just taken the long and prettier way around.


Now here's my point and application.


The next time I hear someone say that I look good and I think that they are blowin' beans in the air, I'm going to try to stop for a minute and consider that they may just be right.


Of course, I won't know if it's true for a couple of years but by that time that moment to enjoy looking good will have long passed. Sad.


I have decided, I can no longer afford to miss any opportunities to feel good about myself, even if I think I know better

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Tired of Being Ugly

It's an ugly title, but it's the way I feel. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I feel beautiful. Every other moment in the day I feel average.

When the room filled with adorable dresses only goes up to 12, and the saleswoman recoils and fairly orders me up to the fat chick section where there are four dresses in my size, all in black or near-black, and I try on dresses and look like this, well... Ugly.





I've gained back all the weight I lost while excercising over the past month, without even trying. I'm sick again, and not just transition sick, but thanks to the antibiotics my IC is back, so who knows when I'll be able to get moving properly again.

Shit, look at me. I wouldn't fucking date me. I wouldn't blame anyone else for not dating me either. I'm 31. I'm not 45, I'm 31. I look 45.

Most of the time I can ignore it, but with the wedding coming up it's clear to me that I'm going to be the fat flower in the bunch. I hate it. I hate it. I hate me.

God I could sleep forever.

Summer of love.

So, I joined a local health club and started taking the aqua aerobics.

The thing is, I have always hated to get into cold water of any kind. I simply can't do it.
Years ago during our annual family vacation at the ocean I would lay out soaking up the sun and salt. I would make sure all the kids had SPF 200 on and that I had enough snacks to sustain a hungry family.

I would lay on the blanket and sunbathe with my girls and remember feeling happy and restful. I would sit under the shade of the umbrella with my husband drinking icy cold sodas with a thin layer of sand clinging to the outside thinking " could I ever want anything more than this?" I loved our beach life. I looked forward to each vacation at the shore. All things seemed possible during those times.

Well, except for one thing.

I rarely ever got into the water. I loved the water. I loved watching the girls boogie boarding and hopping waves. I would watch my husband get into the water and play with the girls, he often had one hanging off his neck and the other two bouncing around in the waves with him. But, I seldom ever joined in.

It wasn't vanity, my hair was wild on that week anyway. It wasn't fear of the water or what was in the water. It wasn't the jelly fish or that I was embarrassed by how I looked ( I looked great ). It was getting into cold water. I just simply couldn't do it.

It has been many years since those perfect summer vacations. My beautiful girls are grown and moved on. Those family vacations remind me that there was life before Multiple Sclerosis and diabetes. It was a life I loved. It was a life I miss.

Fast forward 10-15 years, enter MS and diabetes.

One of the most important therapies for MS is exercise. But, so many of us have balance and stamina problems, exercise often seems impossible.

Like wise, part of staying healthy with Diabetes is exercise. It helps with weight loss and it helps the body process carbohydrates ridding the blood of organ damaging glucose.

Clearly I had to find a way to exercise. It was a the only tool I still had some control over and I needed to use it. Enter aqua aerobics. It was perfect. If my MS made me fall while jogging in the water, so what? If my right leg sort of drifted away instead of coming up to touch my hand, so what?

It was perfect.

Aqua aerobics is more efficient move for move than land aerobics. A double hit. I had found my perfect workout. Except for one thing.

I would have to get into the water.

Think YMCA pools, think outdoor pools after a pouring rain, think the ocean. Think " how in the world am I going to do this???" But I was determined that I had to, there was simply no other reasonable option for me. I just knew it wasn't going to be pleasant.

" Ha!" my inner Nazi said " really? and you think MS and Diabetes are pleasant? Huh??"

Aqua Aerobics is was.

So, there I was, standing at the edge of the pool. I wasn't thinking about the fact that my bathing suit showed just how weight I had gained or that my modesty was going to be sorely tested in the locker room. ( when did they start making these short little bath towels? I remember when they used to wrap around me a couple of times at least. ) All I was thinking about was stepping into the cold water of a pool.

Then I took that first step into the pool.

I knew I had finally found my exercise. While the warm soothing water started hugging my body, my brain was flooded with the memories of those perfect summer days with my family at the beach.

But this time I was in the water.

The euphoria was kinda short lived because the instructor Nazi soon started the music and barking at us to tune of " you gotto move it, move it, move it" Still, I was hooked.

Now, every time I go to workout I get a few seconds of pure pleasure memories flooding my brain.

What better motivation could I ever need??

Monday, August 27, 2007

Dear Doctor, " your pants are on fire!!!! "

I'm pretty happy that my beloved daughter has invited me to join this little band of brave souls. I've had many health issues lately and now I have to get very serious about losing the weight. I am journeling at CalorieKing.com and thought it would be fun to hang here as well. So, here is goes, oh hold me, I'm scared.

So, I've just finished setting this blog up. I have to shower and take a nap now. It was that stressful for me. Yikes. I still feel bashful about logging in weights and such. I'll get used to it I'm sure.


Well. I had my dietician appointment today. It went well. I lost 5 lbs from two weeks ago but I think that is more a function of my incredible nausea and comatose like state after my gallbladder surgery.

Why this surgery was so difficult I'll never know. I had been just casually telling people that I was going in for a real quick laparoscopic procedure and I'd be up and around in a couple of days. No PROB.......

I think I was lied to. Yep I really do. What was suppose to be a short out patient procedure ended up an admission (not that I was in any way able to request it or not) and three days of twilight living.

I do remember thinking that I didn't even know that I had anything in my bladder as I was watching the lime jello on the way back up.

So the fact that I even was at the dietician’s office and that I looked good and that I was able to eat at all for the past two days is quite an achievement. I'm tuff, usually.

Crazy week. crazy.

I have approximatley 35 lbs to go to get to me first sigh of relief.

Nana Poopyhands Is Coming!

That's right! You heard me!

Nana Poopyhands is on her way to being my co-poster at the old WJ!

This is a good thing, because I can't seem to force myself to post here nearly half as much as I should.

Stay tuned for more info.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Reconnnnnnnacense Mission

I went to Nordstroms just now for a recci and they had five dresses my size.

One I didn't expect to look good, and it didn't.
One I expected to be okay, and it was, but the pattern was too busy and just meh.
One I expected to look good and it didn't (unfortunately the same cut as the diamond dress in the previous email).
One I expected would look crap and it did.
And one I didn't like on the hanger and didn't expect to look good and it really looked lovely.

NOooooooo! It's got that 70's look to it and it's a real, adult lady dress. It's not got flowers or anything and it's so 70's. And it looks good. It's different than any else I was looking at and now I'm torn.

There's no hope for it. I'm going to have to go shopping with MoVo I think.

SEVENTIES, I ask you.

A Dress Conundrum

As I posted below, we're going to a wedding in England in about a month's time. I was interested in finding a dress, but insted I've decided that I have a dress I want to wear. With a little refining it will be perfect, unfortunately I tried it on last night and the zip went to my back and stopped because it encountered The Huge Jugs of Death. I've been losing weight all over my whole body but my tits continue to be the kind that could take over Manhattan. I hate to think what might have been if I hadn't gotten them reduced those years ago.

Anyhow, I've decided to wear the purple dress I wore to my friend Lisa's wedding. It's a bridesmaids dress, yes, but it's also very chic and cute. The wedding is a lunchtime wedding that will transition into a nighttime party, so I need something that will work for both.

I submit pictures of the dress for your review here (Please do not review the hair. I hate the hair. It was a horrible idea. Made me look like I was going grey. I will not be recreating the hair) (Click on the images below to enlarge).

The dress pre-drunk and with me sober and tidy -



The dress in movement -



Good photo of the shoes -



Not spilling out -



Passing out wedding cake slightly tipsy -





Dress in funky motion while I'm rilly rilly drunk (note strategic baby monitor placement) -





What do you think?

You know, I remember getting these pictures and thinking to myself that I felt a lot skinnier and attractive than these pictures make me look. In fact, at the time, I was getting an awful lot of positive male attention. In person the dress is tres flattering, and really the pictures aren't all that bad.

What I want to do for the England wedding is to fit the dress with some crinoline. I love this look (MoVo's dress at the same wedding):



Only I'd have the crinoline be off-white. The shoes would be the same ones I wore for this wedding. I'd also want to get an Ivory or off-white stole or shrug, and wear proper stockings, garters and all.

Dark hair, darker lipstick... it could be good.

SHRUGS:
These are what I had in mind for the wrap. Please note that these are FAUX fur. FAUX. As in FAKE. Not real.

I like this one with the ribbon best.

But this stole has the same look for half the price.

Several of these are perfect, but when you page down you discover that they run approximately 315 GBP apiece. So, you know, roughly eleventymilliontrillion American dollars.

Then there is this one on ebay selling for $28 including shipping. I think that's more my speed.

At least I'm current. Googling Faux Fur Stoles Wraps and Shrugs makes many, many UK sites pop up. Not too shabby for a UK wedding!

Do you have an opinion with this one vs. the earlier ones I found?

A reminder of earlier choices:

Lily Floral Dress with Sash

Strapless Mesh Dress

Diamond Party Dress

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Flabulouss is Having a Rough Time

After discovering that her husband was cheating on her three weeks after giving birth to their youngest child, and finding out that he brought the mistress to the hospital and that the mistress was one of the first to see the new baby, Flabulouss served divorce papers and left Australia for New Zealand.

As, I think, you do in those circumstances.

Recently they've finished dividing the monitary assets and they are headed toward the custody portion of the divorce. The Cheating Ex's lawyer sent a petition to force Flabulouss to move back to Australia or he'll take legal action. She is trying to be zen but, understandibly, having difficulty.

Here is Flabulouss' first vlog about it after she brought herself back to the computer: A Message From My Cave

In her vlog she talks about a friend who keeps bringing her wonderful food to try and cheer her up. I myself am guilty of this. I know that if my husband is trying to improve his eating habits and he has a rough day I will buy him cookies or candy. I try and feed my friends constantly. It's a habit born of culture where my grandfather was a chef and everyone is Sicilian and one of the ways you show love is to "eat! eat! You're so SKINNY!"

Of course, one could argue that for someone who has had lap band surgery the bringing of baked goods to their house may not be really a loving thing to do, but I understand where her friend is coming from.

Recently I had a rough time with school and home and I went off my meds. The crazier I got the more I felt the call to supliment my increasing distress with food. I retreated into a food coma.

The problem is that when you're addicted to something you can't just get rid of it, you have to replace it with something else. This is why so many people gain weight after they stop smoking. They can't just not smoke, they have to find something to do that makes them feel good during those times they'd have a cigarette.

It's been reported that many individuals who have had bariatric or lap band surgery develop gambling addictions or cleptomaniac tendancies. Something has to fill the void left by the lack of food.

I'm totally afraid of that void.

I hope Flabulouss feels better soon. I hope we all do.

The Queen O'Java Loves Herself Just As She Is and I Love Her Too

JavaJeanelaine has taken up the banner of the Just As She Is challenge! She's very wonderful and brave. The things she loves about herself are short, yet mighty. She writes:

Five Things I Kinda Like About Me:

1. My naturally curly hair. I wish it was thicker but I love that it is curly.
2. My tan. Yes, I said it. I LOVE MY TAN AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU ARE SILENTLY DISSING ME, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A PASTYFACE. NYAH NYAH.
3. My ability to get things done.
4. I write killer grant proposals.
5. I can sell ice to Eskimos.


I can attest to her mad grant writing skillz and would like to report that she received very nearly all of a sizable grant request with just a token amount left out so that the grant people didn't feel like they rolled over just as much as they did. She rocks.

And I believe her about the curly hair.

Thank you for joining in, JJE!

Not Brave

Dawn, who is on top of things, has updated below with her progress and her goals for the week.

Dawn said...
Ok, since you haven't posted, I will!

My goals so far have been:

1. Pretty consistent except for this week because it's f*ing hot and it's thunderstormed like everyday. BUT, exercise has increased.

2. I'm actually doing this. Don't know if it's helping, but I'm eating breakfast.

3. Nope, no soda. Organic teas if I need something sweet. No more Chemicals for me.

Last weigh-in: 159.4
Today's weight: 157.6
Weight change: -1.8 lbs

Not terrible. Not great. But better than gaining, right?


You go, Dawn! It's awesome. I think you're doing a great job.

I have to tell you that shortly after I set the goals below I had a disaster with school. The disaster is worked out but at the same time I went off my medications. After a short time of crazy-assness, I'm back to good.

There have been good days and bad days. Some days I've kept to my goals and some days I've surpassed them and some days have been doughnuts-and-movie days. All in all I've lost about a pound (boo), but gained, as I do, a lot of muscle (yay). My clothes fit differently and my husband has noticed a reduction in the jiggle factor.

The difference for me has been that we managed to score a free treadmill from a friend who couldn't use it anymore. After Wallace goes to sleep I do about an hour of fast walking/slow jogging on it, with fifteen minutes of slow warm up and fifteen minutes of slow cool down. I do 90 situps and lift some arm weights. All-in-all it takes me about an hour and a half to get through everything.

That's a lot of time at the end of the night and I do wind up burning the candle at both ends. But what are you supposed to do if your kid has to take priority and your job has to take priority and taking care of the animals has to take priority? I know that magazines are always on about being good to yourself, but they don't account for lives that are so full that being good to yourself has the consequence that you have to be less good to others that you love.

I haven't found the solution yet, but I'm trying to at least sweat some every night. Once I start sweating I figure my heart rate is up and I'm doing some good.

Right now I'm descouraged, but trying to hang in there.

Current weight: 206
Goal weight: 175
Weight loss: -1

Goals for this week:

1. Still more water. I've been slack about this one.
2. Treadmill in some capacity five out of seven nights this week (Monday to Monday)
3. Healthier breakfasts. This morning I had a handful of almonds and an apple and I'm actually feeling okay. One of the tricks I play on myself is that my morning meds require food, so if I get to work and there's nothing available then the only option is Dunkin Donuts. Stupid, tricksy self.

I don't feel great about me at the moment, but I feel better than I did a month ago. I'm sorry that I'm such a wimp. I'll try and update here even when it's not going well.

Thanks for your comments. They make a world of difference. The worst thing a person can be in this struggle is isolted, I think.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Dawn Loves Herself Just As She Is, But She Hates Me

Dawn at Sticky Note to Self has finished her "Just as I am" challenge post. Dawn would also like you to know that she hates tag and that I suck for tagging her. I would like you to know, HA HA DAWN! Which I think captures the spirit of this project very well.

Dawn writes:

So here goes:

1. I like that I have crazy monkey toes- not that they look like monkey toes (they don't), but the fact that I can pick stuff up with them off the floor. Evan can do it, too- ha! For example, if Evan takes his socks off, and I have an armful of other crap to put away, I can grab the socks with my toes, bring them up to my hands, and never miss a beat. Comes in handy when you have a full cup of coffee and you drop something, too. You never have to bend over. Of course, it only works when I am barefoot.

2. I like that if I put my mind to something, it happens. Everything I ever REALLY wanted, I have right now. Not many people can say that. I like to think that my uncanny ability to follow my heart got me right where I want to be in life.

3. I like that my eyes squint when I smile. My grandma's always did, and my dad's, and now my brother's and mine do, too. Evan's eyes get squinty, too. Yes, I'll get crow's feet, but that is so much better than frown lines that some people get, right?

4. I like that I'm not afraid to cry. Some people stop showing negative emotions around their kids, but I think it's a part of life. My mother never cried around us- I can only remember it once in my entire life! But Evan has seem me cry over real issues, like him punching me in the windpipe or my grandma dying, and he feels sad and sorry, and tells me "it's otay mommy. It's ahwight!" I'm not a cry baby, but I do think it's important that you cry when it's necessary. It's healthy, and I want Evan to learn that from me, instead of how I had to learn it.

5. I like that I am strong, both physically and mentally. I can take care of myself, can get shit done when it really counts, can get by without help if I have to, and can mow the lawn and weedwack and trim the hedges without waiting for my husband to do it. I also like that I'm learning to balance asking for help without feeling needy. But I really like that I can get shit done.


I'm totally jealous of Dawn's ability to decide to make things happen and they do. Not so much jealous of the monkey toes. Maybe because I just put the cup of coffee down. Now, when she can create some sushi dinners with those things, THEN I'll be jealous.

Thanks for filling out my crappy tag, Dawn!

xoxo

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

PINK!

Yay! Pink!

Maybe also this one I could have

Ooooooooooooooooooo.

AND THIS ONE ALSO

SO pretty.

THIS ONE

I MUST HAVE IT NOW.

I Take it Back!

YES DRESSES FOR FATTIES!
Cute dresses for Fatties!

Check this out: The Beatrice Dress

So Purpley!

Why, I would love to attend your wedding with my GIANT FABULOUS BRESTESES.

This may look cute, but it is more FABULOUS BREST OPPORTUNITY!

Yes, Ceasar, I will be your slave girl.

What do you mean, this is innapropriate for a wedding?

Hi there! I'm the wedding HORE. Tacky, but sexy.

I Get It, I Get It.

I just went out on a reci mission to find out what the fall dress scene is like in prep for an upcoming September wedding. What I've come away with is:

"NO DRESSES FOR FATTIES"

Got it.

To Old Navy: What the fucking fuck??? Seriously?? What the hell is all that??

On the other hand, if plus size girls are looking for jeans the new sizing and cut at Lane Bryant is worth the price of admission. I look fab in them and they fit better than any jeans I've owned in a long time. Check them out.