First of all, I'd like to extend a huge shout-out to Kate and Dawn who appear to not give up on this place even when I mostly have. You guys keep me thinking and typing and you rock. Thank you.
I have come to the conclusion over the last few days that I'm headed back to Overeaters Anonymous.
I don't want to go. I totally want to be what everyone thinks I am, someone who just like millions of others has trouble sticking with a diet. I want so badly to be someone merely overworked or someone who just needs a little guidance and help to improve my eating and excercise.
Instead I am me. I'm someone who uses food to control many aspects of life. I'm someone for whom food and the lack or excess thereof is tied in with deep, deep anger and self-loathing.
I have tried a thousand ways to Sunday to figure out how to get on top of this, but I have come to a very low place where I have to admit that I'm powerless over it. I'm lost. I'm as a drunk is to booze. I'm as an addict is to meth. I'm not merely lacking in a little bit of willpower, but lacking in any sort of ability to moderate or change. I'm careening off a cliff and despite seeing it coming and wanting to model decent food choices for my kid and, you know, not die, I can't stop. It's bad enough that to some, gastric surgery seems my only remaining alternative. That feels like a failure so profound I can't even breathe when I think about it.
I'm lost and desperate and miserable and lost. I'm hitting a low. A big low with all kinds of scary implications. I need help.
I wanted so much to be like everyone who has a weight struggle. I don't know what I'm struggling with, Peeps, but it's not weight. Something is in me that is a big black hole. It's demanding food and I'm totally without the ability or even the desire to say no.
I hate myself. I hate myself in a way so profound that I rarely allow myself to think about it.
This is a new chapter. There is no Weight Watchers or Biggest Loser. There are twelve steps and I'll be starting at number one.
Sometimes life fucking sucks.
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2 comments:
I've decided that if someone could convince me that my boobs would go away (or at least shrink considerably), that would be reason enough for me not to eat everything in sight. Sigh. I fell off the bandwagon. I'm trying really hard to climb back on, but it seems I'm either drunk on food or the wagon has a really bad driver that just won't stop or drive in a straight line...
Krissy, I think you are probably part of a larger peer group than you think. I doubt weight loss would be such a common issue (not to mention the billion dollar industry that it is) if there were normal or average dieters who just had trouble sticking to a diet and that was that. When I have "trouble sticking to a diet" I gain an average of 3 pounds a week, because I consume probably 5000+ calories a day, not that I'm actually counting. I've spent almost all of my life - and I'm not exaggerating here - hating myself, hating my body, engulfed in guilt, eating too much, and planning my next diet, all simultaneously. Remember that Miami trip you've seen pictures of? Looking back I KNOW that I would have enjoyed it WAY more had I not been convinced that the whole group would hate and reject me because of how fat I was. How miserable it was to be on that beach! How stupid I am for squandering that and many other vacations I've had! These were people I'd known for years and I gave them no credit for being able to like me for who I was - because I was too busy feeling guilt for what I'd done to myself.
It's only fair that I qualify this with a note that three years ago I trained for a marathon and went on Atkins, and going from 200 pounds to 170 pounds did make a big difference and I have been a little more adjusted ever since in terms of the guilt and the self hate. The fact remains, though, that my weight has tainted in some way every single aspect of my life - grade school through college, my friendships, my confidence, my career choices, my social interactions, where I live. Everything. And frankly I don't think I'm that unusual. On the whole I've found I have a *healthier* self image than many of my female friends, many of whom weigh less than I do. It's NOT RIGHT, we're all screwed up. I think it's great that you're finding help, I do understand what you're going through, and I am, as always, rooting for you!
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