Friday, July 27, 2007

Forever Fat

I spent some time last night thinking about Flabulous' challenge. I think it's sad that it's so difficult for people to find good things about themselves, and that includes fat people.

I was wondering why I, myself, consider my perfect weight to be the one I was at for all of four months of my life. I was at 155 for a whole four months and I got there:
1) At 25
2) By dancing six hours four nights a week and doing Tae Bo every day
3) By having my tonsils out and essentially not eating

These things are not ever going to be available to me again. I can excercise every day, but eight hours of aerobic fun just aren't available when you have a small person. The metabolism of a 25 year old is gone forever, and not eating is really not an option.

However, the good I felt for those four months has never left me, and it worries me that even if I get to 175, that I will always strive for those 20lbs that are likely to never come off. When you're fat, does that mean that you're fat forever?

It's such a defining thing, and others contribute to this as much as we do. It's immediate and quantifyable. People make many snap judgements about someone who is fat, primarily bestowing upon them a lack of self-control, and a lack of self-esteem. There is a reason that fat people are seen in our society, and frankly in most socities, as not just available victims for cruel humor, but actually voluntary victims of cruel humor.

The people that we see on weight loss shows or shilling for programs like WW or Jenny Craig, those people who lose 250lbs; how long do they keep the weight off before they are allowed to feel like thin people?

As we've discussed here, there is an actual metabolic difference between those people who are never heavy and those who begin heavy and then lose. Is there a fundimental, biological response in people to that difference? Is there always a fat person lurking in that thin person's body?

The one thing I think of is the Ben Stiller character in Dodge Ball. Someone who was once fat, is now in shape, but is obsessive about distancing himself from other "losers", with food and with excercise. Kind of like the jerkoff I sent the email to below there is a sense that if a person is successful at weight loss they must villify those who are overweight in order to be sure they never get that way again.



If you are heavy, no matter what you weigh are you ever anything but a hiding fatty?

I think the answer for me might be "no". That makes me sad.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure this is entirely relevant, but I too have often set a goal weight that I was only ever at on the "way up", as in, what I weighed in 8th grade! The fact of the matter is, I seem to be destined to weigh around 165-170 IF I diet and IF I exercise every single day. Anything lower than that only lasts a few weeks at most.
Last time I stayed at 165 for a while (early 2005), I remember still thinking I needed to lose another 15 or so pounds (that's to be a non-overweight BMI for my height). BUT - when I look at pictures of myself at 165 now, I realize, hey, I looked great! No rolls around my abs even when sitting, smooth, straight arms, defined cheekbones on my face. I wore a size 10 comfortably, something I only dreamed of in 2006. What the hell was I worried about?

After the baby is born my goal is going to be 165 and if I get there I have promised myself to shut the hell up about not feeling "thin". Life is SO too short to try and make myself something I will never be. I believe 165 is a healthy weight for me. It certainly seems to be where my body prefers to be (when I am self-disciplined about it, anyway).

On a totally different note, PastaQueen over at Half of Me (one of my favorite blogs to read, along with yours of course!) often writes about mentally adjusting to being a thin person. I've been reading her blog since she was about 260 pounds (she's 170ish now) and reading her adjustments to her new body is really interesting stuff. I do think you can get comfortable in your new skin, just based on her comments alone.

Anyway, my .02 :)

Anonymous said...

PS:
a) love the new template :)
b) glad the junction is back!
c) for PastaQueen's posts specifically about body image: http://pastaqueen.com/mt/mt-search.cgi?tag=self-image&blog_id=1

Krissy said...

Thank you for liking the new template and thank you for reading and commenting!

I'm going to totally read Half of Me. Thanks for recommending it!

Anonymous said...

I think about this all the time. The thing that amazes me, and makes me wonder why I don't do it more often, is that when I go running, the picture that I see in my head is the beautifully fit body I had when I was 18. As I run, the movie that plays along has me huffing and puffing with slim arms and a great butt and that jiggling stomach? It doesn't show up in the head movie.

And when I get home, I'm always subtly surprised that the 18 year old body was just in my head. That it's not what I see when I look into a mirror. I'll never look or be able to look like I was when I was 18. I weighed 118 pounds- but the trick was, I was still a kid. I didn't have hips yet, or boobs for that matter. And as much as my brain tells me that is what I should look like, my heart tells me it's impossible.

I think my happy place is about 135-140. I was 143 when I got pregnant with Evan, but a LOT of that was muscle. I'll never be that muscular again- I don't walk 6 hours a day or lift hay bales and full buckets of water. So I think 140 is a good goal. But I don't know if my brain will ever let me be happy there. It will always see me at 118 as I run. Damn brain.