I Owe Youz an Update

And I have written one, here:

http://www.speckblog.net/2007/10/26/bellas-wednesday-wellness-post-about-honesty/

It's not very pretty, but it's where I am. It's the only place I can be right now.

Food as Pampering??

Interestingly, and hang with me here, this is going to get weird, I have been considering lately about using food as a method of pampering.

The weird part is that when I talk about this, I'm not talking about ice cream or cookies or cakes or other sweets or things that come pre-wrapped.

I will wait for you to revive...

Seriously, I have a huge history of hating the kitchen and everything about it. I have a food-touching phobia and will tell anyone that I possess no instincts when it comes to having things come out together on time. Of course, those instincts would be hard to procure with almost no history of doing any "cooking" other than "warming stuff up".

Recently, for my birthday, my husband took me out for a dinner that was truly spectacular. Eating like that, of course, would kill me in about a month, but the one thing that struck me over and over again was that with food that flavorful I really only had to eat a bite or two before I was "full". With food that flavorful my mouth told me nice and early on that I was done eating because it was in such extacy it could not take any more.

Then, two days later I went to the spa and had a five hour session of pampering, including a full hour sweedish massage and a facial. During the mani/pedi session I was talking to a woman who's sister-in-law does the spa every month. Once a month she goes in for a day away from the world and gets physical touch that is all about relaxing her, gets her hair and hands and face mooshed around and played with. Basically gets her skin tingled once a month, including between her toes.

I can understand why a person would do that once a month.

Ad campaigns will often come out for a yogurt or apples or something that says, in essence, treat your insides to a spa. I never got that. Really got it.

After this birthday and how I felt after the amazing food and the amazing spa, I think I'm starting to understand.

What if I started feeding myself and my family fresh food, well-prepared, on a regular basis? What if I just start with one recepie? One, that requires things made from their basic elements into something else? What if it was healthy and flavorful and tastey? Not rich and heavy or sugary, but zingy? Would I feel pampered?

I think, maybe, for the first time in my life, I might.

Does it Ever End?

Steph at Back in Skinny Jeans has had a rough time lately. A breakup, a new place to live, new job. Recently she's gained back five of the pounds she'd lost and, to me, her newest vblog sounds like someone who is going through classic depression.

She's a determined woman, but in her vblog she asks, does it ever end? Does the work ever end?

The idea she posits is that folks will say that you have to simply choose to be healthy. While that is certainly fundimentally true, it is also a gross oversimplification of the human process.

Watch her vblog:



I feel for Steph. I remember when The Troublemaker and I split and I was pretty sure that I'd be happiest if I just lay down on the ground and never bothered getting up again. I remember that. It's awful.

And, if you're reading this Steph, often enough a rough day at work will be enough to knock me off my game. You've just had a major upheaval. I'm not sure how you can be strict with your diet and still be easy with yourself, but try to be easy with yourself if you can. You're still doing really well. I'd still call you a success!

Head over to her blog and offer her a word of support if you have the time. Hang in there, Steph!

Success on the Vacation of Luuurve

I have a lot to tell you (which is what I'm flash-posting everywhere), but right now I'm still all jetlagged. What I did want to say is that my vacation against self-weirdness and hate was a total success. I put on dresses every day and wore makeup. I look worse in the photos that I've seen from the trip than I felt. Actually, throughout the thing I felt pretty damned good! I relaxed and enjoyed myself and my husband and my kid.

So what if I was fatter than I felt? So what if everyone else around me weighed less? I still dressed well, I acted young and flirty, I held myself with pride. My husband sure seemed to like it and that's all I need to say about that.

The super-de-duper dress worked a treat and I'll be posting photos of it over at Speckblog soon. It made my tits look awesome, if I do say so myself.

I also danced for five hours on Friday night. I got down. I sweated sheets of sweat and jumped around and shook my hair and I'm sure there are 6000 photos out there of me looking jiggly and stupid and many-chinned, but man did I feel amazing. Everyone wanted to dance with me. Everyone wanted my picture and I don't think that it was because I looked so amazingly stupid. At least, not too often.

I felt wonderful.

Then, on the way to work today I discovered that I suddenly began hating myself.

Ah. The culprit emerges.

Suddenly I know what's causing most of my self-esteem issues and I am very, very happy that I'm working on a new career.

Life is good. Look for dress pics because they are on their way.

I look wonderful, and so do you. Trust me. Nothing is as attractive as self-esteem.

How to Look Good Naked

How to Look Good Naked is a show currently running in the UK. It deals with real bodies with "boobs, butts and tummies" and how to dress them up and how to feel about them when they are undressed. I've not seen it, but only seen the website. I'm impressed so far, however, and really like the Naked Rules that they've listed. I think the first two stages they list are very important:

Stage 1: Face Your Fears
Take your clothes off in front of a mirror and have a long hard look at yourself
For many of our ladies, taking their clothes off in front of anyone had became a massive ordeal. Stripping off in front of a mirror and taking a good hard look at yourself in the first step to facing your fears and building up your confidence.

Stage 2: Change Your Self-Perception
You're not as big as you think you are
The media bombard us all with unrealistic airbrushed images of women every day. These images of the stick thin, surgically enhanced women aren't very realistic but these images portray women as beautiful and successful so it's hard for normal women not to want to be like them. However, most normal women do not look like them so these pictures enforce feelings of negativity and encourage low self esteem.

So, the second stage of looking good naked is to start waking up to the way the media works and stop comparing these images to the way you look. Wake up to the fact that you actually look pretty ok, that you aren't as big as you think you are AND look at all the women around you – I bet most of them are the same as you.

Even Flabuless, who is trying to lead a life that is healthier and more realistic has said that she dislikes the look of fat flesh, so ipso facto, she dislikes the look of herself. I think that many of the women I know dislike the way they look. I think it's sad that I spend so much time disliking myself. Hell, I'm the only person I can control, shouldn't I actually like me?!? I could be my one ace-in-the-hole for approval!

I have to say that while getting my makeup done and finding sexy jeans and getting a new dress I felt empowered as often as I felt overwhelmed. I looked bad sometimes, but sometimes I also looked good. I had moments where my perspective shifted and I actually saw myself as I believe others must see me and, man, I'm not nearly as fat as I feel.

This vacation to London is going to be important, I think. I have a successful, polite, adorable and secure three year old son. I have a hot, successful, adored, talented brilliant husband who loves me to no end. I myself am successful at work, am working on a new career that is tailor-made for my skill set and I'm well-spoken, smart, and well put-together. We have a house, healthy well-cared-for pets, vehicles and everything else that could possibly indicate a life on the track to good things.

This vacation I'm going to try and wallow in my success and love everyone, including myself. It's time to take a break from negativity. This vacation is going to be the Vacation of Lurve.

Feel free to jot that down.

The Perfect Dress!

I found it! I found it! I found it! I found it!

The perfect dress!!

I went for a last-ditch effort today and stopped by Nieman Marcus thinking that they wouldn't have anything. They had several things! Several things that fit! And didn't look frumpy! And then I picked this dress up off the shelf in Cobalt Blue:





YAYAYAYAYAYAY! It's just gorgeous. It fits me perfectly, and highlights everything that I want highlighted and hides the stuff I want to hide. It's a dark cobalt blue, so nothing bright or showy; it can be dressed down for the early afternoon wedding and dressed up for the fancy evening reception.

HOORAY!





I look hot and stylish! HOORAY! HOORAY FOR ME HOT AND SYLISH!

HOORAY!

Less Personal, Please

Or: The Power of Makeup

As my mate is slowly dropping a phenomenal amount of pounds by slamming on the treadmill every day like a superstah, and my mother sheds weight like water off a duck's back, I have stalled in my downward progress.

The illness crashed me out, the I wrenched my back, and then I had a killer period and am only now beginning to feel human again. Add to that my eating for comfort and I've been going the wrong way on the scale.

So I don't fit into the purple dress and am going to have to go get a last-minute emergency dress and I've been generally feeling crappy, ugly and unlovable.

However, I am determined that if we're attending the wedding of the fashion editor of the London Telegraph we will all look put together. Not necessarily fashion saavy, because we aren't, but the frump has got to go. Wallace has a new wardrobe primarily from H&M, I have sexy jeans and several dresses, as well as new boots to wear, and last night TT slid his hot new bod into a Calvin Klein suit that rocks.

Yesterday I also updated my makeup. Enough of this scrounging at the grocery store, I say! It's time to spend a little cash and get a few quality items! I procured some fancy makeup from the Nars counter at Nordstroms and within seconds of leaving the counter was hit on mercilessly.

On the escallator up a 30ish good looking guy is in front of me. He stares. I wonder what the hell he's staring about.

Guy: Do you know what floor this is?
Me: Um, third.
Guy: Okay. *pauses* See, I'm looking for something really specific.
Me: **
Guy: A pair of sheer pajama bottoms.
Me *wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy*: I don't work here.
Guy *embarassed*: I know you don't work here. I was just getting, you know, personal.
Me: Less personal would be better.

And that, my friends, is the power of makeup.

These are good carbs??

In my never ending search for easy to make/eat food I sometimes pick up a package of the latest diet trend food. I think I tried Slim fast years ago. Then came the Weight Watchers Meals ( and all the other frozen diet food). Unfortunately, Weight Watchers was easy to handle until they started all those frozen deserts too.

Let's see, frozen entree or frozen ice cream sandwich.......Hummmmmm. The way I saw it, "points is points." oooooooooo......chocolate brownie thingy....

I also saw me wolfing down TWO fake ice cream sandwiches instead of eating anything that my body could actually use. I had to give up on the convenience foods. They were always just an unsatisfying pit stop on the way to the land of chronic food abuse. They never tasted good enough or filled me up enough. You see, I really like food. I like good food. However, bad food is a waste of time.

Well folks, I've done it again.

I was grocery shopping this afternoon and the lure of easy food proved too much. I picked up a South Beach Diet Santa Fe Style lunch. I was captivated by its picture. Not frozen, and there is chicken, a bowl, cheese, CHIPS and DIET JELLO. Holy crap. There are 240 calories, 6gs of fat, 29 gs of Protein, and best of all....24 grams of Carbohydrates!! I could totally eat this and still have 5 gms of carbs left over for lunch !!!! AND I was starved....

I drove home, put the groceries on the counter and grub around until I found the South Beach Box. While grubbing I passed up some really yummy bread, a beautiful feta cheese, some walnuts and a variety of other things.

I briefly thought about making sandwich instead. I usually have a piece of multi-grain bread, a serving of tasty tuna with light mayo and a couple of romaine leafs. I include apple slices or a peach and maybe my protein drink if I need to protein grms. I'm always very satisfied with this lunch. I actually LIKE this lunch. It's real food. It's in my 'fridge and always available.

So anyway, I ripped open the box eager to see the delicious and generous portions of food I had imagined.

As I pulled out the tiny package of itty bitty chicken, the little package of shredded bland cheese, the leeetle bowl and the leeetle spoon I knew I had done it again. Still in denial, I was hoping that the Chipotle chips were awesome. I guess I was hoping they tasted like, I donno, Fritos??? I was hoping and hoping.

But...no. The lunch was a disappointment. Everything was so inferior to what I would have made for myself it was insulting. However, I had bought it and I had made it, so I ate it. But it was pretty bad. I sniffled just thinking of all the great food I passed while I was grubbing for this sorry excuse for a lunch. It was another big waste of time.

Oh me. Oh my.

I suppose I will never be immune to the charms of Madison Avenue. But I would like to think that I learn by my mistakes. Sitting here still sort of hungry and feeling foolish I wonder if I ever will.

So tell me. What food mistakes seem to haunt you like a stinky ghost? Do you have food lessons that you just can't seem to learn?

Stuck in 90' somethin'

During a recent visit from Krissy my self image was slightly shaken. It wasn't anything bad or hurtful just surprising. Here's what happened.

While sitting on our family room sofa and watching some silly late night show together, Krissy started teasing about our shockingly outdated TV. It is an old console TV. We do have cable on it but you have to actually get up to turn it on/off and to change the volume. It is huge. Not screen wise, just cabinet wise. Oh, and it is 18 years old.

I'm ashamed to say that the whole family has a lot of fun teasing Grandpa P about this TV. You see, he thinks it's great. Of course he knows it's hopelessly out of date but it still works and being the left brainier that he is he sees no reason to get rid of it.

I respect that. I even love that in him. (After all I'm sort of out of date myself) But it does give the family endless opportunity to tease at his expense. Then Krissy said something that surprised me. She started teasing me that the sofa and love seat we were sitting on were straight out of the 90's and didn't I think it was time to update.

What?

The sofa and love seat that I had bought? That I had planned the room around?

Sure it needed cleaning. No bad problems but a good cleaning. And, yes it was a plaid. I’ll even admit the funny looking pillows that came with it are flat and strange, but I never considered that it made the house look out of date. Hummmmm. What should I do? Here's the thing.

We will be moving to our “forever home” in about 4 years. I'm hoping we will be down south in the land of eternal good weather. Most of what we have in our colonial home in Maryland is not going to make the move with us. It's just too northern. Too colonial. I'm longing for tropical colors and open spaces.

”Ah-HA!” you say, “Perfect. Buy a new set now and buy something you will want to move with you.”

But, I have discovered that I have just enough Grandpa P in me to realize that in our world, that's just plain silly. Without knowing exactly where we are going and what we are going to need, I'm kidding myself by thinking that what I buy now will be what I want when we start "the best years of our lives"

The bottom line is we are not going to buy new furniture again until we are in our forever home. It's just that simple.

However, I don't really want to look out of date. I regularly buy slip covers, wrangle them onto the furniture, decide they look way to tacky, return them and end up living with my old furniture after all. Ugh. So, I have four years of the “same old same.”

Which brings me to my point. (Gottcha! And you thought I didn't have a point!)

Consider:

Variety and change keeps life updated. It has just occurred to me that one of the things that I love about food is that it is a very quick and fulfilling way to make changes. After all, no one has ever made a four year plan for a loaf of bread. Actually, you could make a daily plan for changing your bread and even the most left brain thinker in the world, Grandpa P, would applaud you. What a wonderful way to forget about things in life that are not changing any time soon. I also believe the majority of our lives are made up of those slow changing things. Really, think about it.

So we cook and we buy food from the store and we go to restaurants and we try every one of the items on the McD's dollar menu. And, well, maybe there is a connection there? I don’t know.

Maybe not. All I really know is that I have to learn how to take advantage of the fabulous changeable quality of food because, seriously, it doesn't take long for eggbeaters and toast to start looking like old furniture to me.

The trick is to make sure the changes are healthy ones. For me, that is going to be a big challenge.

What do you think?

In a world in which we have so little power to change things, do you use food because it is a deeply satisfying (not to mention legal) way to bring changes into your life?

Too many loose ends

It's Friday and there are too many loose ends today, for my taste. Everywhere I look I see things that need to be returned , put away, cleaned up, clarified......you name it.

My rose colored glasses are more like pink today. In fact, I'm a little bit grouchy. Maybe not grouchy maybe just tired. It could go either way. I find that is one thing strange about being by myself most of the day. With no immediate feedback from other people it can be hard to know exactly how I feel. Does that make any sense?

Okay. Info time.

Blood sugar:
125

This is probably the source of my discontent. The fluctuation of glucose value is a mystery to me. I'm not really too worried about the 125 but I don't understand how it can be 109 one day and 125 the very next day. I mean I'm not stupid, I know it has to do with exercise and things but my lifestyle habits have become standardized to the point of being dull even at the ripe old age of 52.

Scale:

I've dropped another pound. Good news ! So far ( from my high point 4-5 months ago ) I've lost 30 lbs. I still have another 30 to go. Ugh. Depressing. Maybe this is another source of my discontent. (I'm such a spoiled brat. I should be doing the Funky Chicken and singing "Joy to the world" right? )

Yesterday's Post OP check-up for gallbladder surgery:

I'm doing very well. However, I am not allowed to go back to the aqua aerobics for another week. A major bummer for me. I just know that my glucose would be lower if I could exercise.

Hummmmmm. How startling. I find I'm more concerned about the blood sugar than the weight loss. Who Knew?

Well, there you have it. I've decided. I'm grouchy because I'm tired. As almost three year old Wallace would say, "Sounds good, yea?"

So, what makes your glasses turn pink instead of rosy rose colored?

Nana P is Learning to be Kind to Herself

While I thrash around innefectively.

Seriously, reading NP's post below, wouldn't you rather be like her? She's eating well and excercising regularly. She's brave enough to take her blood sugars and get on the scale.

And she has somehow managed to make me realize that the part of me who encourages me to just go for it is not my enemy, just a well-meaning but misguided friend.

I now have something to think about today. So often my first response is "how can I beat this situation into submission?" and NP's is "How can I make this work for me?"

That's one of the coolest things about her. Hmmmmmmm...

I just KNOW it.

It's pretty early here in Nana land. Grampa Poopyhands just left for work and I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee. This is the time of morning when I have to do two things each day without fail.

1) Take a fasting blood sugar.
Done: 112

Hey, not too bad really.

2) Step on the scale.
Not done yet

I feel so good this morning I know that I'm gonna hop on that scale and it will say that I'm at my perfect goal weight.

How, do I know this? Well. I woke up easily. My blood sugar is good. I've been very faithful to my diet for a couple of months. I've lost weight steadily. And, I'm a little hungry.

CAUTION:

It's these successful mornings that get me in trouble. Because of the positive feelings I have and after two months of success, my young and healthy inner person is saying:

" see, you don't have a weight issue. You're too healthy and smart. Don't worry about it. Live and enjoy life. Stop making this a big deal in your life. "

And I really love my inner healthy person. She is fun. She is young. She is athletic and strong.

I really, really like her.

But here's the problem. She is very seductive. I always seem to get to this point in my weight loss and turn to her because she is everything I want to be. Not everything I really am.

I get lost in her carefree thinking. And I usually take her advice. I stop making this a big deal in my life. It's a fatal mistake for me. It's called magical thinking and I appear to be a master.

I stop food journaling. I stop avoiding certain foods. And, most importantly, I stop stepping on the scale. And after a week, she abandons me.

I end up feeling as if I just bought oceanfront property in Arizona . Humiliated.

So folks, after this morning cup of coffee I'm headed upstairs to hop on the scale. Not because I feel bad or desperate about having to loose weight, no, quite the opposite.

It's because I've just had coffee with my inner healthy self. I love her but I want to remember that she is unreliable. Well intended but unreliable.

I'm done with my coffee and now I'm headed up for a shower including stepping on the scale for a healthy dose of reality.

Why oh why??

Have you ever wondered what would happen if your brain was suddenly transported into someone else's physical body?? Oh please, of course you have.

What would the world look like? What would it feel like? I have sometimes fantasized about suddenly owning someone else's physical body and being absolutely overwhelmed by what that body endures on a continual basis.

After all I still have my brain and my learned experiences. Are any of my own coping mechanisms transferable to someone else's physical senses?

I wonder, since my brain is somewhat neurologically confused due to MS, when the donor body was properly hookup to my brain, what would happen to all of the donor nerve cells? Would my right foot buzz all day like it does in my body? Or, would I find out that what I thought was a buzzing foot is someone’s normal foot mode?

Still, as Krissy reminded me yesterday, since they haven't really perfected the teleportation skills promised in 1967, I might, in fact, just explode losing both my cherished, if not perfect, brain and someone else's innocent body at the same time.

And, why oh why, am I even thinking about this while trying to loss weight??

Okay, here's why.

Most of us have pictures of ourselves that when they were taken made us just cringed. Too fat. Too pale, Too plain, Too drunk, Wrong hair, Bad clothes and the list goes on and on. You know what I mean.

We have also all had the experience of looking at those same pictures years later and wondering "what the hell was I thinkin??" I looked good !!! ( except for the clothes issue. There will never be enough time to correct the fashion disaster of my youth, the 60's)

Well, it occurred to me this morning that maybe looking at those pictures after so many years is a little like seeing yourself as others see you. You know, the brain, body thing....

And, if you do look good so many years later to the person you've become, there is an excellent chance that you truly looked that good to everyone else back then too. Get it???

If you want to be a pooh about it, you could just say the short version of all this thinking is " You are your own worst critic". You would be right, of course. I have just taken the long and prettier way around.

Now here's my point and application.

The next time I hear someone say that I look good and I think that they are blowin' beans in the air, I'm going to try to stop for a minute and consider that they may just be right.

Of course, I won't know if it's true for a couple of years but by that time that moment to enjoy looking good will have long passed. Sad.

I have decided, I can no longer afford to miss any opportunities to feel good about myself, even if I think I know better

Tired of Being Ugly

It's an ugly title, but it's the way I feel. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful, I feel beautiful. Every other moment in the day I feel average.

When the room filled with adorable dresses only goes up to 12, and the saleswoman recoils and fairly orders me up to the fat chick section where there are four dresses in my size, all in black or near-black, and I try on dresses and look like this, well... Ugly.





I've gained back all the weight I lost while excercising over the past month, without even trying. I'm sick again, and not just transition sick, but thanks to the antibiotics my IC is back, so who knows when I'll be able to get moving properly again.

Shit, look at me. I wouldn't fucking date me. I wouldn't blame anyone else for not dating me either. I'm 31. I'm not 45, I'm 31. I look 45.

Most of the time I can ignore it, but with the wedding coming up it's clear to me that I'm going to be the fat flower in the bunch. I hate it. I hate it. I hate me.

God I could sleep forever.

Summer of love.

So, I joined a local health club and started taking the aqua aerobics.

The thing is, I have always hated to get into cold water of any kind. I simply can't do it.
Years ago during our annual family vacation at the ocean I would lay out soaking up the sun and salt. I would make sure all the kids had SPF 200 on and that I had enough snacks to sustain a hungry family.

I would lay on the blanket and sunbathe with my girls and remember feeling happy and restful. I would sit under the shade of the umbrella with my husband drinking icy cold sodas with a thin layer of sand clinging to the outside thinking " could I ever want anything more than this?" I loved our beach life. I looked forward to each vacation at the shore. All things seemed possible during those times.

Well, except for one thing.

I rarely ever got into the water. I loved the water. I loved watching the girls boogie boarding and hopping waves. I would watch my husband get into the water and play with the girls, he often had one hanging off his neck and the other two bouncing around in the waves with him. But, I seldom ever joined in.

It wasn't vanity, my hair was wild on that week anyway. It wasn't fear of the water or what was in the water. It wasn't the jelly fish or that I was embarrassed by how I looked ( I looked great ). It was getting into cold water. I just simply couldn't do it.

It has been many years since those perfect summer vacations. My beautiful girls are grown and moved on. Those family vacations remind me that there was life before Multiple Sclerosis and diabetes. It was a life I loved. It was a life I miss.

Fast forward 10-15 years, enter MS and diabetes.

One of the most important therapies for MS is exercise. But, so many of us have balance and stamina problems, exercise often seems impossible.

Like wise, part of staying healthy with Diabetes is exercise. It helps with weight loss and it helps the body process carbohydrates ridding the blood of organ damaging glucose.

Clearly I had to find a way to exercise. It was a the only tool I still had some control over and I needed to use it. Enter aqua aerobics. It was perfect. If my MS made me fall while jogging in the water, so what? If my right leg sort of drifted away instead of coming up to touch my hand, so what?

It was perfect.

Aqua aerobics is more efficient move for move than land aerobics. A double hit. I had found my perfect workout. Except for one thing.

I would have to get into the water.

Think YMCA pools, think outdoor pools after a pouring rain, think the ocean. Think " how in the world am I going to do this???" But I was determined that I had to, there was simply no other reasonable option for me. I just knew it wasn't going to be pleasant.

" Ha!" my inner Nazi said " really? and you think MS and Diabetes are pleasant? Huh??"

Aqua Aerobics is was.

So, there I was, standing at the edge of the pool. I wasn't thinking about the fact that my bathing suit showed just how weight I had gained or that my modesty was going to be sorely tested in the locker room. ( when did they start making these short little bath towels? I remember when they used to wrap around me a couple of times at least. ) All I was thinking about was stepping into the cold water of a pool.

Then I took that first step into the pool.

I knew I had finally found my exercise. While the warm soothing water started hugging my body, my brain was flooded with the memories of those perfect summer days with my family at the beach.

But this time I was in the water.

The euphoria was kinda short lived because the instructor Nazi soon started the music and barking at us to tune of " you gotto move it, move it, move it" Still, I was hooked.

Now, every time I go to workout I get a few seconds of pure pleasure memories flooding my brain.

What better motivation could I ever need??

Dear Doctor, " your pants are on fire!!!! "

I'm pretty happy that my beloved daughter has invited me to join this little band of brave souls. I've had many health issues lately and now I have to get very serious about losing the weight. I am journeling at CalorieKing.com and thought it would be fun to hang here as well. So, here is goes, oh hold me, I'm scared.

So, I've just finished setting this blog up. I have to shower and take a nap now. It was that stressful for me. Yikes. I still feel bashful about logging in weights and such. I'll get used to it I'm sure.


Well. I had my dietician appointment today. It went well. I lost 5 lbs from two weeks ago but I think that is more a function of my incredible nausea and comatose like state after my gallbladder surgery.

Why this surgery was so difficult I'll never know. I had been just casually telling people that I was going in for a real quick laparoscopic procedure and I'd be up and around in a couple of days. No PROB.......

I think I was lied to. Yep I really do. What was suppose to be a short out patient procedure ended up an admission (not that I was in any way able to request it or not) and three days of twilight living.

I do remember thinking that I didn't even know that I had anything in my bladder as I was watching the lime jello on the way back up.

So the fact that I even was at the dietician’s office and that I looked good and that I was able to eat at all for the past two days is quite an achievement. I'm tuff, usually.

Crazy week. crazy.

I have approximatley 35 lbs to go to get to me first sigh of relief.

Nana Poopyhands Is Coming!

That's right! You heard me!

Nana Poopyhands is on her way to being my co-poster at the old WJ!

This is a good thing, because I can't seem to force myself to post here nearly half as much as I should.

Stay tuned for more info.

Reconnnnnnnacense Mission

I went to Nordstroms just now for a recci and they had five dresses my size.

One I didn't expect to look good, and it didn't.
One I expected to be okay, and it was, but the pattern was too busy and just meh.
One I expected to look good and it didn't (unfortunately the same cut as the diamond dress in the previous email).
One I expected would look crap and it did.
And one I didn't like on the hanger and didn't expect to look good and it really looked lovely.

NOooooooo! It's got that 70's look to it and it's a real, adult lady dress. It's not got flowers or anything and it's so 70's. And it looks good. It's different than any else I was looking at and now I'm torn.

There's no hope for it. I'm going to have to go shopping with MoVo I think.

SEVENTIES, I ask you.

A Dress Conundrum

As I posted below, we're going to a wedding in England in about a month's time. I was interested in finding a dress, but insted I've decided that I have a dress I want to wear. With a little refining it will be perfect, unfortunately I tried it on last night and the zip went to my back and stopped because it encountered The Huge Jugs of Death. I've been losing weight all over my whole body but my tits continue to be the kind that could take over Manhattan. I hate to think what might have been if I hadn't gotten them reduced those years ago.

Anyhow, I've decided to wear the purple dress I wore to my friend Lisa's wedding. It's a bridesmaids dress, yes, but it's also very chic and cute. The wedding is a lunchtime wedding that will transition into a nighttime party, so I need something that will work for both.

I submit pictures of the dress for your review here (Please do not review the hair. I hate the hair. It was a horrible idea. Made me look like I was going grey. I will not be recreating the hair) (Click on the images below to enlarge).

The dress pre-drunk and with me sober and tidy -



The dress in movement -



Good photo of the shoes -



Not spilling out -



Passing out wedding cake slightly tipsy -





Dress in funky motion while I'm rilly rilly drunk (note strategic baby monitor placement) -





What do you think?

You know, I remember getting these pictures and thinking to myself that I felt a lot skinnier and attractive than these pictures make me look. In fact, at the time, I was getting an awful lot of positive male attention. In person the dress is tres flattering, and really the pictures aren't all that bad.

What I want to do for the England wedding is to fit the dress with some crinoline. I love this look (MoVo's dress at the same wedding):



Only I'd have the crinoline be off-white. The shoes would be the same ones I wore for this wedding. I'd also want to get an Ivory or off-white stole or shrug, and wear proper stockings, garters and all.

Dark hair, darker lipstick... it could be good.

SHRUGS:
These are what I had in mind for the wrap. Please note that these are FAUX fur. FAUX. As in FAKE. Not real.

I like this one with the ribbon best.

But this stole has the same look for half the price.

Several of these are perfect, but when you page down you discover that they run approximately 315 GBP apiece. So, you know, roughly eleventymilliontrillion American dollars.

Then there is this one on ebay selling for $28 including shipping. I think that's more my speed.

At least I'm current. Googling Faux Fur Stoles Wraps and Shrugs makes many, many UK sites pop up. Not too shabby for a UK wedding!

Do you have an opinion with this one vs. the earlier ones I found?

A reminder of earlier choices:

Lily Floral Dress with Sash

Strapless Mesh Dress

Diamond Party Dress

Flabulouss is Having a Rough Time

After discovering that her husband was cheating on her three weeks after giving birth to their youngest child, and finding out that he brought the mistress to the hospital and that the mistress was one of the first to see the new baby, Flabulouss served divorce papers and left Australia for New Zealand.

As, I think, you do in those circumstances.

Recently they've finished dividing the monitary assets and they are headed toward the custody portion of the divorce. The Cheating Ex's lawyer sent a petition to force Flabulouss to move back to Australia or he'll take legal action. She is trying to be zen but, understandibly, having difficulty.

Here is Flabulouss' first vlog about it after she brought herself back to the computer: A Message From My Cave

In her vlog she talks about a friend who keeps bringing her wonderful food to try and cheer her up. I myself am guilty of this. I know that if my husband is trying to improve his eating habits and he has a rough day I will buy him cookies or candy. I try and feed my friends constantly. It's a habit born of culture where my grandfather was a chef and everyone is Sicilian and one of the ways you show love is to "eat! eat! You're so SKINNY!"

Of course, one could argue that for someone who has had lap band surgery the bringing of baked goods to their house may not be really a loving thing to do, but I understand where her friend is coming from.

Recently I had a rough time with school and home and I went off my meds. The crazier I got the more I felt the call to supliment my increasing distress with food. I retreated into a food coma.

The problem is that when you're addicted to something you can't just get rid of it, you have to replace it with something else. This is why so many people gain weight after they stop smoking. They can't just not smoke, they have to find something to do that makes them feel good during those times they'd have a cigarette.

It's been reported that many individuals who have had bariatric or lap band surgery develop gambling addictions or cleptomaniac tendancies. Something has to fill the void left by the lack of food.

I'm totally afraid of that void.

I hope Flabulouss feels better soon. I hope we all do.

The Queen O'Java Loves Herself Just As She Is and I Love Her Too

JavaJeanelaine has taken up the banner of the Just As She Is challenge! She's very wonderful and brave. The things she loves about herself are short, yet mighty. She writes:

Five Things I Kinda Like About Me:

1. My naturally curly hair. I wish it was thicker but I love that it is curly.
2. My tan. Yes, I said it. I LOVE MY TAN AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU ARE SILENTLY DISSING ME, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A PASTYFACE. NYAH NYAH.
3. My ability to get things done.
4. I write killer grant proposals.
5. I can sell ice to Eskimos.

I can attest to her mad grant writing skillz and would like to report that she received very nearly all of a sizable grant request with just a token amount left out so that the grant people didn't feel like they rolled over just as much as they did. She rocks.

And I believe her about the curly hair.

Thank you for joining in, JJE!

Not Brave

Dawn, who is on top of things, has updated below with her progress and her goals for the week.

Dawn said...
Ok, since you haven't posted, I will!

My goals so far have been:

1. Pretty consistent except for this week because it's f*ing hot and it's thunderstormed like everyday. BUT, exercise has increased.

2. I'm actually doing this. Don't know if it's helping, but I'm eating breakfast.

3. Nope, no soda. Organic teas if I need something sweet. No more Chemicals for me.

Last weigh-in: 159.4
Today's weight: 157.6
Weight change: -1.8 lbs

Not terrible. Not great. But better than gaining, right?

You go, Dawn! It's awesome. I think you're doing a great job.

I have to tell you that shortly after I set the goals below I had a disaster with school. The disaster is worked out but at the same time I went off my medications. After a short time of crazy-assness, I'm back to good.

There have been good days and bad days. Some days I've kept to my goals and some days I've surpassed them and some days have been doughnuts-and-movie days. All in all I've lost about a pound (boo), but gained, as I do, a lot of muscle (yay). My clothes fit differently and my husband has noticed a reduction in the jiggle factor.

The difference for me has been that we managed to score a free treadmill from a friend who couldn't use it anymore. After Wallace goes to sleep I do about an hour of fast walking/slow jogging on it, with fifteen minutes of slow warm up and fifteen minutes of slow cool down. I do 90 situps and lift some arm weights. All-in-all it takes me about an hour and a half to get through everything.

That's a lot of time at the end of the night and I do wind up burning the candle at both ends. But what are you supposed to do if your kid has to take priority and your job has to take priority and taking care of the animals has to take priority? I know that magazines are always on about being good to yourself, but they don't account for lives that are so full that being good to yourself has the consequence that you have to be less good to others that you love.

I haven't found the solution yet, but I'm trying to at least sweat some every night. Once I start sweating I figure my heart rate is up and I'm doing some good.

Right now I'm descouraged, but trying to hang in there.

Current weight: 206
Goal weight: 175
Weight loss: -1

Goals for this week:

1. Still more water. I've been slack about this one.
2. Treadmill in some capacity five out of seven nights this week (Monday to Monday)
3. Healthier breakfasts. This morning I had a handful of almonds and an apple and I'm actually feeling okay. One of the tricks I play on myself is that my morning meds require food, so if I get to work and there's nothing available then the only option is Dunkin Donuts. Stupid, tricksy self.

I don't feel great about me at the moment, but I feel better than I did a month ago. I'm sorry that I'm such a wimp. I'll try and update here even when it's not going well.

Thanks for your comments. They make a world of difference. The worst thing a person can be in this struggle is isolted, I think.

Dawn Loves Herself Just As She Is, But She Hates Me

Dawn at Sticky Note to Self has finished her "Just as I am" challenge post. Dawn would also like you to know that she hates tag and that I suck for tagging her. I would like you to know, HA HA DAWN! Which I think captures the spirit of this project very well.

Dawn writes:

So here goes:

1. I like that I have crazy monkey toes- not that they look like monkey toes (they don't), but the fact that I can pick stuff up with them off the floor. Evan can do it, too- ha! For example, if Evan takes his socks off, and I have an armful of other crap to put away, I can grab the socks with my toes, bring them up to my hands, and never miss a beat. Comes in handy when you have a full cup of coffee and you drop something, too. You never have to bend over. Of course, it only works when I am barefoot.

2. I like that if I put my mind to something, it happens. Everything I ever REALLY wanted, I have right now. Not many people can say that. I like to think that my uncanny ability to follow my heart got me right where I want to be in life.

3. I like that my eyes squint when I smile. My grandma's always did, and my dad's, and now my brother's and mine do, too. Evan's eyes get squinty, too. Yes, I'll get crow's feet, but that is so much better than frown lines that some people get, right?

4. I like that I'm not afraid to cry. Some people stop showing negative emotions around their kids, but I think it's a part of life. My mother never cried around us- I can only remember it once in my entire life! But Evan has seem me cry over real issues, like him punching me in the windpipe or my grandma dying, and he feels sad and sorry, and tells me "it's otay mommy. It's ahwight!" I'm not a cry baby, but I do think it's important that you cry when it's necessary. It's healthy, and I want Evan to learn that from me, instead of how I had to learn it.

5. I like that I am strong, both physically and mentally. I can take care of myself, can get shit done when it really counts, can get by without help if I have to, and can mow the lawn and weedwack and trim the hedges without waiting for my husband to do it. I also like that I'm learning to balance asking for help without feeling needy. But I really like that I can get shit done.

I'm totally jealous of Dawn's ability to decide to make things happen and they do. Not so much jealous of the monkey toes. Maybe because I just put the cup of coffee down. Now, when she can create some sushi dinners with those things, THEN I'll be jealous.

Thanks for filling out my crappy tag, Dawn!

xoxo

PINK!

Yay! Pink!

Maybe also this one I could have

Ooooooooooooooooooo.

AND THIS ONE ALSO

SO pretty.

THIS ONE

I MUST HAVE IT NOW.

I Take it Back!

YES DRESSES FOR FATTIES!
Cute dresses for Fatties!

Check this out: The Beatrice Dress

So Purpley!

Why, I would love to attend your wedding with my GIANT FABULOUS BRESTESES.

This may look cute, but it is more FABULOUS BREST OPPORTUNITY!

Yes, Ceasar, I will be your slave girl.

What do you mean, this is innapropriate for a wedding?

Hi there! I'm the wedding HORE. Tacky, but sexy.

I Get It, I Get It.

I just went out on a reci mission to find out what the fall dress scene is like in prep for an upcoming September wedding. What I've come away with is:

"NO DRESSES FOR FATTIES"

Got it.

To Old Navy: What the fucking fuck??? Seriously?? What the hell is all that??

On the other hand, if plus size girls are looking for jeans the new sizing and cut at Lane Bryant is worth the price of admission. I look fab in them and they fit better than any jeans I've owned in a long time. Check them out.

Forever Fat

I spent some time last night thinking about Flabulous' challenge. I think it's sad that it's so difficult for people to find good things about themselves, and that includes fat people.

I was wondering why I, myself, consider my perfect weight to be the one I was at for all of four months of my life. I was at 155 for a whole four months and I got there:
1) At 25
2) By dancing six hours four nights a week and doing Tae Bo every day
3) By having my tonsils out and essentially not eating

These things are not ever going to be available to me again. I can excercise every day, but eight hours of aerobic fun just aren't available when you have a small person. The metabolism of a 25 year old is gone forever, and not eating is really not an option.

However, the good I felt for those four months has never left me, and it worries me that even if I get to 175, that I will always strive for those 20lbs that are likely to never come off. When you're fat, does that mean that you're fat forever?

It's such a defining thing, and others contribute to this as much as we do. It's immediate and quantifyable. People make many snap judgements about someone who is fat, primarily bestowing upon them a lack of self-control, and a lack of self-esteem. There is a reason that fat people are seen in our society, and frankly in most socities, as not just available victims for cruel humor, but actually voluntary victims of cruel humor.

The people that we see on weight loss shows or shilling for programs like WW or Jenny Craig, those people who lose 250lbs; how long do they keep the weight off before they are allowed to feel like thin people?

As we've discussed here, there is an actual metabolic difference between those people who are never heavy and those who begin heavy and then lose. Is there a fundimental, biological response in people to that difference? Is there always a fat person lurking in that thin person's body?

The one thing I think of is the Ben Stiller character in Dodge Ball. Someone who was once fat, is now in shape, but is obsessive about distancing himself from other "losers", with food and with excercise. Kind of like the jerkoff I sent the email to below there is a sense that if a person is successful at weight loss they must villify those who are overweight in order to be sure they never get that way again.



If you are heavy, no matter what you weigh are you ever anything but a hiding fatty?

I think the answer for me might be "no". That makes me sad.

LizzieBean Loves Herself Just As She Is

Lizzie at Fat Lady Singz has finished her "Just as I am" challenge post. She writes about finding it difficult to do and I'm in 100% agreement with her there. Not that it's hard to find five things about Lizzie that are fabulous, but that it's hard to look at yourself and find five things to truly, unreservedly love. I think if it had been ten things I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Lizzie writes:

So here it goes - 5 positive things about me:

1. I am funny. I think my humor would be considered “dry”. I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh. And I do.
2. I have great ankles. It’s one part of my body that I’ve always loved. Great ankles - flow nicely into my feet (which aren’t bad either).
3. I am ambitious, driven and an eternal optimist. I do love that about myself. If something needs to get done - I will get it done. I can keep my spirit up in the worst of times and I can pass that on to others in need.
4. I have great hair. It’s thick, bouncy and it’s always been a great color (it gets a little help now!)
5. I am artistically talented. I do love that about myself. I can and do create. I can take something empty and void and make it vibrate.

She's awesome. And awfully responsive for having done it so quickly! You go, Lizzie!

Why is it so hard to be as good to ourselves as we would to our friends?

More on that in a following post.

Where Things Stand

I don't have pictures yet, because I'm cramming for my upcoming fucking math test, but this morning I did step on the scale just to know where we're starting from. Considering that I haven't been dieting at all, it isn't that bad.

Starting weight: 207

Happy weight: 175

30lbs is a lot on one hand, but on the other if Flabulous can lose 93, I can do a measly 30, right?

My goals for this next week are as follows:

1. Eat real meals. Three real meals. 1, 2, 3. And two snacks. Try and actually feel satisfied throughout the day rather than binging and starving.

2. 30 minutes of excercise a day. We just got a tredmill this past weekend. I'm going to start even just walking, but doing it fast and for 30 minutes.

3. Water as appropriate. I'm going to drink one glass of water for every glass of something else. Cup of coffee? 1 cup of water. Soda? 1 cup of water. Cup of water? 1 cup of water. I'm going to try and add water before I get rid of other stuff.

I think this is all doable and involves only small amount of sacrifice, which is good because I don't do so well with large amounts of sacrifice, you know? The moment I start feeling put-upon I get petulant and eat a doughnut. Petulant Poopyhands would be an excellent nickname.

What are your three goals for the week?

GODDAMNIT. I've been inspired.

Damn. Damn damn damn damn.

DAMN!

The amazing Flabulous is a blog that was recommended to me by LizzieBean at The Fat Lady Sings. What horrors has this fabulous New Zealander imposed upon me? She has inspired me.

BAD FELLOW BLOGGER.

At Flabulous he has imbeded episodes of what she calls FlabTV, where she rocks out, spills her guts, talks about cheating after lap band surgery, talks about sex, shows her body, and talks about how as fat people, sometimes we stink. I think she's very brave, not to mention totally cute.

Now I just feel all inspired to do things like put up photos of myself in a swimsuit and be accountable to all other weightloss bloggers out there. It scares me. I'm inspired and it scares me.

But what's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst? That I don't lose any weight? That I have to tell you about it? Hell, I've already had someone call "Suuuuuuiiieee" to me on the street, how much worse could it get?

So I'm starting again. Tonight when I get home I'll step on the scale. I have a wedding to go to in Mid-September, and I'm going to see how much weight I can lose before then by eating right and excercising. This time, rather than saying that I'm going to put pictures up, I'm really going to do it.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, FLABULOUS!

Also, I'm going to participate in the Just As I Am challenge that she has going on at her blog. The rules are these:

So I challenge other bloggers out there to take part in the same life changing exercise...Instead of concentrating on the negative points of why you want to loose weight and what you hate about yourself...how about writing 5 points about who you are and why you are ok just like that, they can be quirky, embarrassing, brutally honest, boring it doesn't matter...You are perfect, you are unique and you should accept yourself with all your quirks--'Just as you are'...Make sure you write it honestly and positively as I have done above. It will be a list that you might need to revisit every day for the next year to remind yourself, that you are ok, and your life is going to turn out ok...but more importantly it will be an affirmation to yourself and the first step in appreciating YOU just as you are.

Here's how it works...Take up the challenge yourself then choose 5 people to tag...list those chosen ones on your blog under your entry and then visit their blog and write them a comment letting them know they have been 'tagged' to take part in the challenge...keep track of who participates and record their links on your blog as they post their entries.Eventually we will be able to follow a trail from everyone's blog linking to other blogs and their tagged blogs etc...it could be huge... Tell your blogging mates...and lets start a craze and grow and learn to love ourselves through doing this.Plus, inspired by 2kbloggers, my dream is to set up a photo montage, of ALL who participate, with links back to their individual blog posts...Now I am getting goose bumps...IMAGINE a photo montage of 2,000 'Fatbloggers' accepting themselves...Just as they are! Ok, Ok so I am thinking Big!!!! I always do...but if you think this is a neat idea then get onboard and lets start making an impact sort of like the 'pay it forward' phenomenon. And if you would like to be on the montage...start sending me your photo's with links to your challenge post...so that I can set it up.

Here we go:

FIVE THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE AWESOME

1. I am smart. Not kind of smart or halfway smart, but really, truly smart.
2. I am pretty. My face has a nice look to it, an honest look to it. I lucked out in the face department. I like my face pretty much every time I see it.
3. I am passionate. I have honest and true responses to things. I let the outside world affect me and change and motivate me. I love deeply and with great loyalty. Given my childhood, this is a pretty amazing thing.
4. I have beautiful hands. They are long-fingered and tapered and perfect. Even when I'm overweight they are pretty. I love my hands.
5. I look good in all hats. I look really amazingly cute in hats. Totally cute. I should wear them, because I look totally and utterly cute in them. I am just the kind of person that can wear a hat.

These may not seem important, but it took some doing to make myself write them. It's hard to have a blog that highlights your imperfections and then to sit down and point out why you should like what you see, but you know, I really do.

It's your turn. Five things. Nothing tongue-in-cheek, and no apologizing or qualifying. Just five true things that are awesome about you.

I tag:

1. LizzieBean at FatLadySingz - COMPLETE!
2. Hsien Hsien at Cottontimer
3. Dawn at Sticky Note To Self - COMPLETE!
4. Tertia at So Close**
5. Baggage at Baggage and Bug**

6. JavaJeanelaine at Queen O'Java - COMPLETE!

**Neither of these women post about weight loss, but both have had kind of a down time lately and I think they should post five good things anyway.

Ready? Set? GO!

And stay tune for pictures of my fat ass. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

I Disagree With You, Turdface.

The email I just sent:

Dear Rob,

I was sent your article by a friend published in the 07/2007 edition of Buzz News, page 37, who was hurt deeply by what you wrote. When I went back and read your article I found myself appreciative of your intent, but annoyed by your assumptions. I would like to see the scientific support for your assertions. A recent study reported by the New York Times refutes your theory directly.

It seems that, in fact, fat people are eating merely until they "feel full", just as thin people do. Unfortunately their systems report that they are full much later than those of naturally thin folks. Also, that those who are naturally thin will remain so, and those who's genetics encourage a higher weight will fight the forces of starvation to remain slim.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/08/health/08fat.html?_r=1&ref=health&oref=slogin

"So Dr. Hirsch and his colleagues, including Dr. Rudolph L. Leibel, who is now at Columbia University, repeated the experiment and repeated it again. Every time the result was the same. The weight, so painstakingly lost, came right back. But since this was a research study, the investigators were also measuring metabolic changes, psychiatric conditions, body temperature and pulse. And that led them to a surprising conclusion: fat people who lost large amounts of weight might look like someone who was never fat, but they were very different. In fact, by every metabolic measurement, they seemed like people who were starving.

“Those who doubt the power of basic drives, however, might note that although one can hold one’s breath, this conscious act is soon overcome by the compulsion to breathe,” Dr. Friedman wrote. “The feeling of hunger is intense and, if not as potent as the drive to breathe, is probably no less powerful than the drive to drink when one is thirsty. This is the feeling the obese must resist after they have lost a significant amount of weight.”

Thus, the more weight you lose, the more your body insists it must eat. Rather than overcoming a "hurdle" of initial correct eating, a person who is genetically disposed to a higher weight must battle a constant insistence from the body that it's starving, and such a bodily demand increases over time, rather than diminishes.

While you are correct that diets do not work, and in fact are harmful:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/04/070404162428.htm

there is zero scientific evidence published to show that any but the smallest portion of those who either diet or make lifestyle changes, such as yourself, retain their weight loss over the long term.

I applaud your personal weight loss, however, I would like to suggest that perhaps you were merely blessed with good genetics and had to learn how to eat to fit your personal genetically-created appetite. For others it is a constant struggle with very little chance of success; no matter what form of diet or life philosophy the attempt may take.

I also would like to state that the t-shirt you've chosen to make your point may have been intended to be humorous, but it is, in fact, juvenile and pedestrian.

I do not expect to alter your personal perception of The Way Things Are. Like those who are devoted to one kind of diet or one belief about the cause of weight loss, your article implies slavish devotion to believing you've discovered the One True Way. I would like to go on record as someone who disagrees vehemently, who feels that you are lacking in anything other than anecdotal evidence to back up your claims, and who would feel deep embarrassment on your behalf if I saw you and your colleagues in public with those crass, juvenile t-shirts.

When balancing the problem of discrimination and degradation toward those who are overweight with the issue of the health problems of the obese becoming universally accepted, I must say that to my mind discrimination is far and away the more prevalent. I cannot fault those who are overweight for seeking equal treatment and acceptance in society. Many are overweight due to illness, genetics, or emotional trauma. I find nothing offensive in a group of individuals attempting to band together to support one another in a society that consistently tells them that they are sub-class citizens. I find your attitude toward those individuals alarmist, degrading, and reflective of a social attitude that states that if you are an overweight individual and are not constantly apologetic for such, and constantly locked in a struggle with the scale, you do not show enough repentance and are deserving of public ridicule.

Were you not on a personal crusade to shame fat people further into thinness (and there is also no historical evidence of this approach being effective to reduce the weight of the general populace) I would merely assume you were a misguided individual with the next great craze that will go nowhere and delete buzznews.com from my inbox. However, your intention to stake out and shame the fat folks is reprehensible and I felt a responsibility to write to you and let you know that, not only are your assumptions incorrect, but your actions are offensive.

From one human being deserving of respect to another, please reconsider your plans.

Sincerely,

Krissy Poopyhands

If you're interested in reading the article, it can be found here:

http://buzznews.net/pdfs/072007Springfield.pdf

On page 37.

Please feel free to email the author with your thoughts.

****************************

EDITED TO INCLUDE ROB'S REPLY:

"Thanks for the note. I don't need scientific evidence. I am living proof, as well as the hundreds of people who have lost weight on my program. Why would you go to the medical community and ask them if you are hungry, do they know? The medical community only make $$$ of fat people. If they new something we would be getting thinner and a nation not fatter. NAFBR is popular for the people taking responsibility and offensive to those who are taking the easy way out. Survey results 29% strongly agree with NAFBR and 2% strongly agree with NAAFA (fat acceptance).

Comment posted from my survey:
I am morbidly obese and I agree with your mission statement completely. People, myself included, need to be responsible for their own actions.
Anonymous

I'll keep pushing for people to become healthy and you keep looking for scientific data.

Best,
Rob"

MY RESPONSE TO ROB:

"I don't need scientific evidence."

Thanks for the reply! This is a perfect summation of your program. I will be getting the word out.

Sincerely,

Krissy Baker

*******************

Let us review: People don't like fat people. His program works because he says it does. He doesn't believe in scientific evidence. NIH is apparently making money off all fatties. His program approval is an anonymous comment from someone who is morbidly obese.

Great. Let me get right on that train! This is sure to work!

Jagoff.

More Rotten News

You know that starving feeling? Yeah, that won't go away.

Linked in from The Perfect World:

Genes Take Charge, and Diets Fall by the Wayside

So Dr. Hirsch and his colleagues, including Dr. Rudolph L. Leibel, who is now at Columbia University, repeated the experiment and repeated it again. Every time the result was the same. The weight, so painstakingly lost, came right back. But since this was a research study, the investigators were also measuring metabolic changes, psychiatric conditions, body temperature and pulse. And that led them to a surprising conclusion: fat people who lost large amounts of weight might look like someone who was never fat, but they were very different. In fact, by every metabolic measurement, they seemed like people who were starving.

“Those who doubt the power of basic drives, however, might note that although one can hold one’s breath, this conscious act is soon overcome by the compulsion to breathe,” Dr. Friedman wrote. “The feeling of hunger is intense and, if not as potent as the drive to breathe, is probably no less powerful than the drive to drink when one is thirsty. This is the feeling the obese must resist after they have lost a significant amount of weight.”

Then, The Upside Occurs

On the other hand, my dears, what this article proves is that there is now scientific and empircal evidence to show that we are NOT failures.

The people on diet adds? The ones who show off a trim and pretty figure after holding out their fat pants? Those people are freaks. Your average individual is not capable of joining WW or Jenny Craig and losing lots of weight and keeping it off long-term. It's the long-term keeping it off that's the thing. We can't do it.

I'm jealous of the freaks, but I'm no longer going to think that there's something wrong with me if I can't drop 50 pounds and keep it off. Science shows that there is NOTHING wrong with me. That eating a little better and trying to get in a little bit more excercise would probably help, and that trying to maintain is probably the best way to go.

I wish I was a 100lb losing freak, but I'm afraid I'm a non-losing normal.

You're normal! I'm normal!

Enough of the diets. Enough.

OH FUCKING HELL YOU FUCKING FUCKERS

Originally linked here.

Dieting Does Not Work, Researchers Report:

"What happens to people on diets in the long run?" Mann
asked. "Would they have been better off to not go on a diet at all? We decided
to dig up and analyze every study that followed people on diets for two to five
years. We concluded most of them would have been better off not going on the
diet at all. Their weight would be pretty much the same, and their bodies would
not suffer the wear and tear from losing weight and gaining it all back."

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS.

That's it. THAT'S IT, science! Do you hear me? You have fucked with me for the last time!

I'm going off any diet other than trying to eat like a reasonable person and then when I'm done having kids I'm getting Lap Band bariatric surgery if I still feel fat and FUCK Y'ALL and your weight watchers and your slim fast shakes.

The Bell Has Rung

The gate has swung open. The horses are OFF!

And I'm standing in the stalls eating cookies.

"So how's the twelve-step program?!"

Well, seeing as I have not moved a muscle yet we can safely say that I have completed steps <1.

It's all I'm capable of at the moment, peeps. It really is. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and understanding and at some point I will really get to burning up the internets with my accounts of OA and food and blah blah blah.

Right now I appear to be seriously battling some depression and some expectations that I cannot hope to live up to.

I'll take that first step as soon as I can get up the courage to get out the door.

I'm Krissy Poopyhands and I'm an Addict

First of all, I'd like to extend a huge shout-out to Kate and Dawn who appear to not give up on this place even when I mostly have. You guys keep me thinking and typing and you rock. Thank you.

I have come to the conclusion over the last few days that I'm headed back to Overeaters Anonymous.

I don't want to go. I totally want to be what everyone thinks I am, someone who just like millions of others has trouble sticking with a diet. I want so badly to be someone merely overworked or someone who just needs a little guidance and help to improve my eating and excercise.

Instead I am me. I'm someone who uses food to control many aspects of life. I'm someone for whom food and the lack or excess thereof is tied in with deep, deep anger and self-loathing.

I have tried a thousand ways to Sunday to figure out how to get on top of this, but I have come to a very low place where I have to admit that I'm powerless over it. I'm lost. I'm as a drunk is to booze. I'm as an addict is to meth. I'm not merely lacking in a little bit of willpower, but lacking in any sort of ability to moderate or change. I'm careening off a cliff and despite seeing it coming and wanting to model decent food choices for my kid and, you know, not die, I can't stop. It's bad enough that to some, gastric surgery seems my only remaining alternative. That feels like a failure so profound I can't even breathe when I think about it.

I'm lost and desperate and miserable and lost. I'm hitting a low. A big low with all kinds of scary implications. I need help.

I wanted so much to be like everyone who has a weight struggle. I don't know what I'm struggling with, Peeps, but it's not weight. Something is in me that is a big black hole. It's demanding food and I'm totally without the ability or even the desire to say no.

I hate myself. I hate myself in a way so profound that I rarely allow myself to think about it.

This is a new chapter. There is no Weight Watchers or Biggest Loser. There are twelve steps and I'll be starting at number one.

Sometimes life fucking sucks.

So, How is it Going?

How IS it going?

HOW is it going?

How is IT going?

How is it GOING?

It, is going right out the window.

Fatter than I ever was and now school is on Mondays so that's my WW at Work out the window. I'm descouraged and fat. FAT fat fat fat eww fat.

I am going for riding lessons this Sunday for the first time since I was 9 years old. You know, in an effort to remember what it feels like to move my body doing something I enjoy.

Food is just too obsessive for me. I'm either a mental contortionist about it, but eating right, or gorging and making myself happy. Until I look in the mirror.

Fuck food I hate food.

I'd imagine Heroin junkies say the same thing about the drug.